I am tired of people (my doctor included) telling me that my loss wasn't real, that it wasn't really a baby and that if I wasn't charting, I wouldn't have even known - is that supposed to make me feel better?!? It WAS a loss, it WAS a baby and I DO know I lost my precious child. Please give me time to grieve. If I make you uncomfortable, please understand I'm not doing it intentionally and leave me alone. I'm not acting this way to upset you, I am simply living my life the only way I know how. To quote someone else who has gone through this "There is nothing worse than being told your child doesn't exist. NOTHING. PLEASE DON'T CALL MY CHILD A CHEMICAL. GOD LOVES MY CHILD AND SO DO I." My child was a unique human being and I will never forget them. I am trying to use this for God's glory. My extended family is having a very difficult time understanding what I am going through. I think the only way you can really, truly understand it is to go through it yourself and I pray that my family never has to go through this themselves. It is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Before I am offended or hurt by my family or anyone else I need to try to step back and see if they are going through anything that might be causing them grief and try to be supportive of them. I need to love others in spite of the heartache they may cause me. Wow, that's much easier said than done!!! Retaliating for hurts caused by others will only push them away when I most need their prayers and encouragement. Lord, please help me forgive those that hurt me, everyday if necessary, and help me keep forgiving.
Ordinary Princess J
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Today I am thankful for good friends who will drop what they are doing to let you dump on them. I am thankful for the pretty semi-wild flowers that said friends will pick for you to help cheer you up. Lastly, I am thankful that my God is big enough for all of my hurt, anger, jealousy, and dysfunction and that He can take a rotten situation and turn it into something good. I am blessed.
Ordinary Princess J
Ordinary Princess J
Monday, July 13, 2009
Hannah's Hope Chapter Four
I definitely agree with the point that women and men deal with infertility differently. I liked how Jennifer compared it to a rollercoaster. I know that my DH would love to "find the break" on our ride. I know that I struggle with our SI more than he does, simply because I have the reminder of our dysfunction from my body every month. I am thankful that my body is fairly healthy and I know that we can get pregnant, since we've done it before. I am blessed that my husband doesn't feel the need to "be strong" and will open up to me about how he is feeling. I know that this has helped our marriage during this tough season. Neither DH nor I had any real idea of what "In sickness and in health" were going to mean when we got married. So far we have faced Type 1 Diabetes, Ulcerative Colitis, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Depression and Osteoporosis. SI is just something to add to the list. It hasn't been easy, but I know these conditions have brought us closer and made us more empathetic to others. DH has been very understanding of my need to mourn the baby we lost. He has been patient with my mood swings and taken DS when I needed time alone. I think DH and I do need to be better about praying together. Jeremiah 29:11 says ""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."" I am confident that God's plan for me is good, even if it doesn't include more children. I have been so blessed by my life already and really God doesn't owe me anything. I am just having a hard time letting go of my personal dreams. I keep asking God to help me let go of my dreams for my life and accept God's dreams for me. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 talks about how our bodies are temples and honoring God with our bodies. I know that I haven't been taking care of my body well enough. I need to be better about exercising and eating better. I should try to find a buddy for that... someone to help hold me accountable.
Ordinary Princess J
Ordinary Princess J
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Hannah's Hope Chapter Three
I do not feel like God is punishing me for my sins through infertility. However, I know that my sin has been coming between myself and God for awhile. It is time for me to re-evaluate my life and really decide what is pleasing to the Lord and what is not. I need to work on conquering my rebellious thoughts and tame my impulses. God is not punishing me, but He may be disciplining me. God may be using this season of my life to help prepare me for His purpose. I desperately want to live up to God's purpose for my life. I really loved how Jennifer Saake described discipline vs punishment in "Hannah's Hope." She said, "Discipline is vastly different from punishment. ... Whereas punishment represents penalty or retribution, discipline's goal is to train, mold, and perfect." It goes along with Hebrews 12:7-8 "Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons."
Ordinary Princess J
Ordinary Princess J
Hannah's Hope Chapter Two
Fertility Rivalry - I HATE that concept, probably because I identify with it! It seemed to me that as soon as DH and I got pregnant with DS, his brother and his wife immediately began TTC, even though before both had said they didn't want kids. I was delighted when my nephew was born, but now with his 1 year old birthday already passed, I dread the announcement that I know will be coming soon of how they are expecting again. Right now, we are equal, but if they have another child, especially a girl, I feel like our extended family might forget about us and DS. I HATE the feelings of jealousy and envy that I'm struggling with! It seems that lately, all I see are pregnant women and small children/babies everywhere. It's hard to avoid such situations when you already have a toddler. I need to be constantly reminded that I do not know better than God. His plan for me is perfect and I should not second guess Him, but ti's so hard to be patient and wait on His timing. How do you wait patiently? I guess for me, the easiest way is to read while I wait, so that's what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to be better about reading my Bible daily and really try to hear what God is saying to me. I need to be drawing strength from the Lord in my time of trial (be it infertility, the loss of a loved one, financial problems, etc.) rather than questioning Him and resenting Him. I need to work with Him and His plan for my life, not against Him. I need to be very careful to not make my pursuit of another child my idol, because I fear that is the direction I am headed.
Ordinary Princess J
Ordinary Princess J
Hannah's Hope Chapter One
I am reading through the book "Hannah's Hope." My amazing MIL gave it to me to help me through the loss of our baby and our continuing secondary infertility (SI). You are welcome to read through it with me if you like and we can compare notes. I highly recommend this book to anyone going through infertility in it's many forms, adoption loss and/or pregnancy loss or infant death. I also recommend the Hannah's Hope forums (Hannah's Prayer) to anyone who is going through the above situations and would like to talk to others who have gone through the same things. I myself have found great support there and am eternally grateful for those women.
A quick disclaimer - I am transcribing these notes from my personal journal, so they may be disjointed and hard to follow at times. I am not attempting to describe the entire book, just write down my responses to it.
Hannah's Hope Chapter One
I define family as a group of people who continually care for each other. Family isn't just defined by blood ties. I was blessed by God into a loving birth family and along the way have made many friend who I consider family. My current family does meet my definition of family, I just feel like my immediate family isn't complete yet. I believe that God defines family as primarily a man and his wife, as in Genesis. I'm not even sure where this desire [to have more children] is coming from. I love DS with my whole heart, so it's not that I want to replace him or feel that he's "not good enough." I don't expect that having another child is going to magically make my life perfect. I think that maybe [this desire] is just something that God put inside me. I do think that [having another child] would make me happy, but maybe I'm putting too much thought into it. I need to focus on God more and less on my SI. I need to pursue my relationship with Him before anything else.
Ordinary Princess J
A quick disclaimer - I am transcribing these notes from my personal journal, so they may be disjointed and hard to follow at times. I am not attempting to describe the entire book, just write down my responses to it.
Hannah's Hope Chapter One
I define family as a group of people who continually care for each other. Family isn't just defined by blood ties. I was blessed by God into a loving birth family and along the way have made many friend who I consider family. My current family does meet my definition of family, I just feel like my immediate family isn't complete yet. I believe that God defines family as primarily a man and his wife, as in Genesis. I'm not even sure where this desire [to have more children] is coming from. I love DS with my whole heart, so it's not that I want to replace him or feel that he's "not good enough." I don't expect that having another child is going to magically make my life perfect. I think that maybe [this desire] is just something that God put inside me. I do think that [having another child] would make me happy, but maybe I'm putting too much thought into it. I need to focus on God more and less on my SI. I need to pursue my relationship with Him before anything else.
Ordinary Princess J
The Beginning
The Beginning of our Secondary Infertility Journey
DH and I began trying to conceive again soon after DS's 1st birthday. We tried and were disappointed each month. In May of this year I bought the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," and began charting. We conceived on our first cycle charting, in June, but lost the baby soon afterward. I was, and still am, heart broken. I miss the child that we lost. I wonder to myself why God would give me such a longing for another child if it's only going to bring heartache. I am looking for hope in the midst of my pain. I know that God can and will use this to help me grow closer to Him.
Ordinary Princess J
DH and I began trying to conceive again soon after DS's 1st birthday. We tried and were disappointed each month. In May of this year I bought the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," and began charting. We conceived on our first cycle charting, in June, but lost the baby soon afterward. I was, and still am, heart broken. I miss the child that we lost. I wonder to myself why God would give me such a longing for another child if it's only going to bring heartache. I am looking for hope in the midst of my pain. I know that God can and will use this to help me grow closer to Him.
Ordinary Princess J
Back
Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. I've had a lot going on in my life. I've been having a hard time praising lately. I am going to be better about that. Today I am thankful for fresh, home grown veggies. Tonight I had a salad made with home grown lettuce, carrots, sweet pea pods and a banana pepper. It was delish! :) I am also thankful for those hometown ice cream stands. It seems like almost every town has them. Ours is wonderful and right down the street. I am also thankful for my family. It was great to just spend the evening with them.
I have also recently decided that I am going to use this blog not only as a journal of praises and prayer requests, but also for chronicling issues I am working through and even as a place to write notes for books I'm reading.
Ordinary Princess J
I have also recently decided that I am going to use this blog not only as a journal of praises and prayer requests, but also for chronicling issues I am working through and even as a place to write notes for books I'm reading.
Ordinary Princess J
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Visit
I'm thankful my visit with my brother went well. I feel like we really got to talk and enjoyed each others company. It was wonderful. DS was, well, screechy, but that's ok. At least my brother has no illusions about his behavior or my parenting! :)
Presents
I am thankful again for my kitties. They left me a present this morning. I am happy I don't have to worry about that mouse running around my house anymore, even if I wasn't very excited to dispose of it's corpse. I gave them extra pets and kitty treats as a thank you.
I am thankful it's Spring. I love going outside and seeing the flowers starting to bloom and hearing the bird singing. I love the warmer weather and being outside more often. I love watching the trees start to get leaves. I'm so happy it's Spring!
Ordinary Princess J
I am thankful it's Spring. I love going outside and seeing the flowers starting to bloom and hearing the bird singing. I love the warmer weather and being outside more often. I love watching the trees start to get leaves. I'm so happy it's Spring!
Ordinary Princess J
Sunday Morning
Today I'm thankful for my kitties. They're warm, fuzzy and snuggly. What more could you want when you're not feeling well? Plus, they're super good with DS. At least, boy kitty is. Girl kitty runs away from him. DS has been known to pet boy kitty the wrong way and boy kitty just sits there and takes it. Such good cats!
I'm thankful for my laptop, without which I would be disconnected from the entire world. I use it to find out the weather, check the news, get new recipes, pay bills, get clothes, send email, all sorts of stuff! I would be lost without it.
I'm also thankful for family. My half-brother is coming to visit today. He's 20+ years older than me and has a son close to my age, so we've never been close, but I know he's always cared about me. I think he just likes to check in on me occasionally and make sure I'm doing alright. I am blessed to have so many people who care about me.
Ordinary Princess J
I'm thankful for my laptop, without which I would be disconnected from the entire world. I use it to find out the weather, check the news, get new recipes, pay bills, get clothes, send email, all sorts of stuff! I would be lost without it.
I'm also thankful for family. My half-brother is coming to visit today. He's 20+ years older than me and has a son close to my age, so we've never been close, but I know he's always cared about me. I think he just likes to check in on me occasionally and make sure I'm doing alright. I am blessed to have so many people who care about me.
Ordinary Princess J
Saturday, March 21, 2009
This Morning
I'm thankful for PBS, especially Sesame Street, this morning. Every morning, PBS is there for me when DS and I get up and I just need a few minutes to myself. I never have to worry about inappropriate content and it's educational. DS loves Elmo. It used to bother me, but Elmo is growing on me.
I'm thankful for our local children's museum. It's a wonderful place. We have a membership, it's only 15 minutes away and DS loves it there. He would stay there all day if I let him. They have trains, a water table, a "grocery store," an art room, and more. It's just wonderful to have a place to go when it's to yucky to go outside.
I'm thankful for my husband's job. He works at our local hospital as a respiratory therapist. His job is stable and he enjoys it. It doesn't pay boatloads of money, but it's enough for me to stay home right now with DS. In this economy, that is definitely something to be thankful for.
Ordinary Princess J
I'm thankful for our local children's museum. It's a wonderful place. We have a membership, it's only 15 minutes away and DS loves it there. He would stay there all day if I let him. They have trains, a water table, a "grocery store," an art room, and more. It's just wonderful to have a place to go when it's to yucky to go outside.
I'm thankful for my husband's job. He works at our local hospital as a respiratory therapist. His job is stable and he enjoys it. It doesn't pay boatloads of money, but it's enough for me to stay home right now with DS. In this economy, that is definitely something to be thankful for.
Ordinary Princess J
Friday, March 20, 2009
Need a Boost
I'm feeling a little drained and tired. I'm not sure if it's my allergies or a cold coming on, but I need an attitude boost.
I'm thankful for DH who's done like 4 loads of laundry today without being asked. He's very good about helping with housework when he's not working. I am blessed.
I'm thankful for my in-laws (they live 2 door down from us) taking DS so that I can get some housework done.
I'm thankful for my family in general. My SIL and nephew are part of our weekly playgroup. It's wonderful to be a part of their lives and watch my nephew grow and change. My mother and father live close enough for us to visit frequently. My in-laws get to see DS almost daily and I love knowing that he's growing up seeing them and knowing that he's loved by many, many people.
Off to put away laundry!
Ordinary Princess J
I'm thankful for DH who's done like 4 loads of laundry today without being asked. He's very good about helping with housework when he's not working. I am blessed.
I'm thankful for my in-laws (they live 2 door down from us) taking DS so that I can get some housework done.
I'm thankful for my family in general. My SIL and nephew are part of our weekly playgroup. It's wonderful to be a part of their lives and watch my nephew grow and change. My mother and father live close enough for us to visit frequently. My in-laws get to see DS almost daily and I love knowing that he's growing up seeing them and knowing that he's loved by many, many people.
Off to put away laundry!
Ordinary Princess J
Spring Has Sprung
Good Morning!
Today I'm thankful for allergy medication, without which I would not be functioning today. I'm also thankful for my DH who is going to the store this morning to buy me more. It's nice to not have to do it myself and take Screech along, especially when I'm not feeling %100. My DH is thoughtful like that.
I'm also thankful for pancakes with fresh maple syrup! Our playgroup is going over to the home of a lady from our church who makes maple syrup every year. She taps her own trees and everything. She's going to make pancakes for us and we get to have them with her maple syrup - YUMMY! I'm very excited.
I'm thankful for my heating pad on my bed. My mother gave it to my DH and I for Christmas. It's been wonderful. I love going to sleep on a warm bed. Screech likes it, too. Most days he ends up napping in Mommy & Daddy's bed. Too bad they don't make them for toddler beds!
Have a wonderful day!
Ordinary Princess J
Today I'm thankful for allergy medication, without which I would not be functioning today. I'm also thankful for my DH who is going to the store this morning to buy me more. It's nice to not have to do it myself and take Screech along, especially when I'm not feeling %100. My DH is thoughtful like that.
I'm also thankful for pancakes with fresh maple syrup! Our playgroup is going over to the home of a lady from our church who makes maple syrup every year. She taps her own trees and everything. She's going to make pancakes for us and we get to have them with her maple syrup - YUMMY! I'm very excited.
I'm thankful for my heating pad on my bed. My mother gave it to my DH and I for Christmas. It's been wonderful. I love going to sleep on a warm bed. Screech likes it, too. Most days he ends up napping in Mommy & Daddy's bed. Too bad they don't make them for toddler beds!
Have a wonderful day!
Ordinary Princess J
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Starting Out
This is day one of my journey. I have a lifetime of bad habits to overcome. I'm going to try to post two to three things a day that I'm thankful for. They might be big things, like my family, they might be (seemingly) cliche things, like the weather and they might be little things, like the silly things my son (affectionately known as Screech) does.
Today I'm thankful for the silly things Screech says. He had a leftover donut after he was finished with his lunch this afternoon. When asked what kind it was, he cheerfully replied "A gay donut!" It was glazed. It was apparently a very happy donut, LOL.
I'm thankful for the other mothers that I'm surrounded by, including my own, my mother-in-law, the moms at my church and the moms in my local MOPS group. With every child being different, every mother's journey is different, but they all have common elements. It's nice to know you're not the only person who's gone through a situation before, and even nicer to know that you will come out the other end of it! And it's especially nice to know that your child won't be graduating high school wearing a diaper, drinking out of a bottle, sleeping in your bed, etc.! :)
Lastly, I'm thankful for the fact that my husband is such a good father. He truly adores his son and enjoys spending time with him. Right now, he's helping Screech with his potty training by reading to him while he's sitting on his potty chair.
I am so blessed. Off to give Screech a bath!
Ordinary Princess J
Today I'm thankful for the silly things Screech says. He had a leftover donut after he was finished with his lunch this afternoon. When asked what kind it was, he cheerfully replied "A gay donut!" It was glazed. It was apparently a very happy donut, LOL.
I'm thankful for the other mothers that I'm surrounded by, including my own, my mother-in-law, the moms at my church and the moms in my local MOPS group. With every child being different, every mother's journey is different, but they all have common elements. It's nice to know you're not the only person who's gone through a situation before, and even nicer to know that you will come out the other end of it! And it's especially nice to know that your child won't be graduating high school wearing a diaper, drinking out of a bottle, sleeping in your bed, etc.! :)
Lastly, I'm thankful for the fact that my husband is such a good father. He truly adores his son and enjoys spending time with him. Right now, he's helping Screech with his potty training by reading to him while he's sitting on his potty chair.
I am so blessed. Off to give Screech a bath!
Ordinary Princess J
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