One Year Book of Hope Week 3 Days 1 & 2

I have really been struggling lately to be up early enough to have my quiet time. I feel like I just cannot get over this cold. It's been draining my energy!

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This week's devotionals focus on God the Father. I rely on my heavenly Father even more now that my earthly father has passed on. Day 1's reading talked about the Lord's prayer. I was taught the Lord's prayer as a child and said it daily before bed. This ritual has made the prayer a routine, thoughtless thing. Having it discussed and dissected really made the prayer come alive to me. I think I will using it much more often in the future than I have in the past.

The digging deeper part of the reading today was on Matthew 6:1-18. Our heavenly Father knows all. He knows what we need before we even ask him (verse 8). We need to serve him quietly and not broadcast our actions to the world. If we boast about how much we give, or pray loudly or complain when we fast or are sacrificing in some way, we won't receive any reward for our actions. We need to not draw attention to our actions, and by doing this, we will receive our reward in heaven.

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Today's reading was about the prodigal son. I think most of us have been in that position once or twice. I can think of several times I turned my back on God and struck out on my own, only to flounder and come crawling back to the Lord. The parables in Luke 15 tells us all that the Lord is forgiving and desires each one of His children to come back to Him. He will go to any length to have us return to His fold. Of the three main characters in the parable of the prodigal son, I most relate to the older son. I (almost) always did the right thing. In high school I studied while the other kids partied. I did a ton of extra curricular activities and volunteered. Yet, the other kids were the popular ones. They were lauded for their athletic prowess and received scholarships to college for skills that came easily to them. I who worked so hard to do well, didn't get much financial assistance at all. It all seemed so unfair! I imagine that the older son must have felt somewhat like that. Looking back, I can see how far my work ethic and other experiences have brought me. I am thankful for the path I chose. I know now that the attitude I had was wrong. It's never right to compare our lot with another's. The older brother should have had an attitude of forgiveness and thankfullness that his brother had returned.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Weekend

Reflection

Jesus please show me your sorrows. You are a companion when I grieve, for You have also grieved. You submitted, in obedience to the Father's will, though it caused you pain and suffering. Help me to follow your example and obey the Father, even though it might cause me pain and suffering as well.

Meditation

Lord, when I read Hebrews 5:7-8, I can see you pleading with the Father. I picture the tears streaming down your face, your voice breaking as you ask Him to take the cup from you. I hear your voice hitching as you fervently pray that not Your will, but the Father's be done. I see the dismay and loneliness on your face when you find your disciples asleep. Lord, I know that You see every tear that I cry and weep with me. I will obey You, though it may take me through dark places of grief.

Prayer

Father, I praise You for saving me! Without the suffering and death of Your son, I would be condemned. You are the heavenly orchestrator of all things and can bring hope from despair. You alone can turn grief into dancing. Thank You for having mercy on me and always being with me and everyone who grieves. Amen.

Calm My Anxious Heart Chapter 1

My friend Mitzi and I are working through the book Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. It is amazing. I have done it before with a women's group at my old church and it really can transform your life. Mitzi and I could both use more calm in our lives right now, so we have committed to reading a chapter a week and then discussing it together. These are my reflections. :)

Here is my cup. It's actually my favorite one I have here at home and was a gift from my MIL. It's a big, colorful snowman mug. I love how it looks AND that it holds a lot of tea. It's also easy to clean. I feel a lot like that. I'm sturdy (German & Irish!) and often colorful and I can hold a lot. My friends often use me as a listening ear or a sounding board. I'm also pretty easy to clean. ;)

I wrote Philippians 4:11-13 on my white board, along with the list of never's. Hopefully that keeps them both my at the forefront of my mind.

Here's my paraphrase of our memory verse.

I didn't ever really need anything because I learned how to be happy with whatever I had. I know that I can live without anything or with everything. I know the secret to living in any situation, whether you're hungry or full, have a bunch of stuff or none at all. Here it is: I can do anything through my belief in Christ because He gives me His strength.

My definition of contentment is simply being happy with how things are.

So I wrote the 5 statements for contentment on my whiteboard and have been reading them multiple times a day. I just want to say, it's HARD to be content!!! I found out that I love to complain. It's just a casual mention here and there, but I do it all day long! It's a tough habit to break! I think Ella was truly able to have an attitude of contentment because she simply never complained and got out of the thought habits of comparing her life to other's. She made it, in her mind, to where it never occurred to her to even think about how her life was different and complain.

Here's my paraphrase of 1 Timothy 6:15.

The Lord will appear again when it is the right time, according to His plan. He is blessed and is the only supreme ruler of our lives. He is above all other things in importance and authority. He is the King of kinds, and the Lord of lords.

I have been letting the Lord be the Blessed Controller of my circumstances for the past few weeks. I had really been agonizing over my infertility and struggling with giving it to the Lord. Since I've had a quiet time at least every other day, I have known a peace that is truly beyond understanding. I can talk to friends and acquaintances and truly be happy for them without bemoaning my own state. It is amazing and I'm just so much happier than I have been in quite awhile.

As far as the story of the two monks, I know that I used to be the first monk, but right now I am more the second monk. I used to pray to the Lord to please, please, please bless me with another child! Make it a girl! Make it twins! And on, and on, and on. It's not wrong to pray to the Lord for your heart's desire. My sin was that my desire for another child had usurped my desire for the Lord's will to be done in my life above my own. Now that I am placing God's plan for my life before my own, I am finding things flow more smoothly and I have a restfulness that I did not have before.

I do think most women try to manipulate or control their situations, but I don't believe that it is just women. I believe all people do this. People are, by our very nature, sinful. Left alone, we will always desire what we do not have. Discontent breeds a desire to manipulate things to make them different so that we can achieve what we want. If we place our wants and plans in the Lord's hands and surrender them to Him, making ourselves obedient to His will, our wants and desires are transformed into His wants and desires for us.

This week I learned that the Lord does not want us to worry. Worry in and of itself is an idol. If I spend more of my time worrying about my circumstances than I do in pursuing my Lord, it means I am worshiping my circumstances instead of God. Eek! I learned that I am prone to worry, but the more I place myself and my plans for my life in the Lord's hands, the less I worry. If I have a daily quiet time and ask for the Lord to give me strength each day, I am not as concerned or anxious about the things happening in my world.

Lord, please help me to remember how truly important my daily quiet time is. Help me to remember how at peace and renewed I feel each day when I fellowship with You first. Amen.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Day 4 & Day 5

Still fighting off a cold, but I *think* it's getting better. I am really disliking getting up earlier to be with my husband before he leaves for work, but I LOVE how it changes the rest of my day when I do it. It is a privilege to spend time with him before he leaves for work and try to be a blessing to him.

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This reading was about how we define a tragedy. I would consider the earthquake in Haiti a tremendous tragedy. The author points out that a true tragedy is when a person passes away with no hope of spending eternity with the Lord. I know that the reason I feel so at peace with my father's death is because I am assured that he is in heaven.

Jesus responded to two tragedies in Luke 13:1-5 the same way. He asked the crowd he was speaking to if the people who died were worse sinners than their peers. No, they weren't he stated and then said that unless the crowd also repented, they would perish as well.

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Today's reading is about how God allows suffering and death as part of His plan for our lives. I know that I have wrestled with the question, "How can God allow this to happen?" more than once. I have been meditating on Hebrews 5:7-8 this week and the part that strikes me the most each time is "He learned obedience from the things he suffered." Christ had to learn obedience from the cross. I know that I, too must learn obedience from the things I am going through. So the question is, am I? I believe that I am. I know a peace right now about my infertility struggles that can only come from the Lord. I am learning, daily, to put my desire for another child behind my desire to know Him more and follow His plan for my life. It's as simple, and difficult, as that. I haven't given up hope for another child, quite the opposite. I am more hopeful for another child than I have been in the past two years. The strength and peace I have gotten from my daily quiet times has spilled into the other areas of my life (as I knew it would) and has helped me on my way to becoming healthier, stronger and more responsible. My daily quiet time is not only making me more spiritually healthy, but it gives me the will power to stick to healthier eating and is helping me become physically healthier as well. God is calling me to be obedient to Him by spending daily time in His word and fellowshipping with Him and I am reaping the blessings!

The bible reading today was from Hebrews 4:14-5:10. Though Christ suffered, God used His suffering to bring salvation to all. Christ himself knows what it is to suffer, so He can minister to us in our own times of suffering. I have benefited immensely from following God's plan for my life. I have an amazing Christian husband and a Christ-centered marriage. I have a wonderful son, who was more of a miracle than we knew. I have a great family, an awesome church and a job/ministry that I enjoy. I have more blessings than I can count. I know that if I continue to follow God's plan for my life, the blessings will only multiply.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Day 2 & Day 3

I didn't post yesterday, oops! In my defense, it was my birthday and DH was a love and let me sleep most of it. I'm still fighting off a cold. :)

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This reading was on death and the hope we have in Christ. It pains God when we hurt. He feels our hurts as much as we do. But as it has been stated before, we should not grieve without hope. When my father passed away this summer, I began the grieving process again, but this time, it's been different. A few weeks ago, I was trying to express how it was dissimilar from other deaths I've grieved over. At first, I couldn't put my finger on what made it different. Somehow, it seemed a healthier grief than others I had experienced. My sadness lingered, but underneath there was a profound gratitude that I had been allowed to be a part of such a wonderful man's life. Then it hit me, I had assurance that my father was in heaven. I knew for a fact, being there when he had accepted Christ, that my father was now with the Lord and was suffering no longer. What an amazing thing! I still miss my father, but I'm so happy for him that he gets to experience eternal life with Christ.

The Bible reading today was from John 11:1-44. When He learned of Lazarus' illness, Jesus said, "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this." 11:4 He waited two days and then said, "Let's go back to Judea." 11:7 The disciples objected, but Jesus said, "There are twelve hours of daylight every day. During the day people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. But at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light. Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up." 11:9-11 The disciples thought that Lazarus was actually asleep, so Jesus told them, "Lazarus is dead. And for your sakes, I'm glad I wasn't there, for now you will really believe. Come, let's go see him." 11:14 Jesus went to Bethany and was told that Lazarus had been in his grave for four days. Martha said that Lazarus wouldn't have died if Jesus had been there, and Jesus responded, "Your brother will rise again." 11:23 Martha responded that Lazarus would rise with everyone on the last day, and Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this Martha?" 11:25-26 Martha said that she did believe that Jesus was the Messiah and called for her sister, Mary. Mary came from their house, followed by the mourners. Mary also told Jesus that Lazarus would not have died if he had been there. Jesus was angered and troubled, and asked, "Where have you put him?" 11:34 Jesus went to Lazarus' grave and wept. He was still angry when he said, "Roll the stone aside." 11:39 Martha was alarmed and thought that the smell would be awful. Jesus said to her, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" 11:40 So the stone was removed and Jesus looked up to heaven and said, "Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me." Then Jesus shouted, "Lazarus, come out!" 11:40-43 Lazarus came out of the tomb with the graveclothes still on and Jesus told the people to "Unwrap him and let him go!" 11:44

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Today's reading was about feeling abandoned and lonely in grief. There have been times I have felt alone, like no one in the world truly understood my emotions, but deep inside I always knew that the Lord was with me and understood my pain.

Jesus left instructions in Matthew 26:35-46. When Christ was in the garden of Gethsemane, "he became anguished and distressed" 26:37 He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." 26:38 Jesus went a little way off by himself and prayed, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." 26:39 When he went back to the disciples, they had fallen asleep. He said to Peter, "Couldn't you watch with me even one hour? Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!" 26:40-41 Jesus then went off by himself again and prayed, "My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done." 26:42 When he went back to the disciples, they were sleeping again, so he went off to pray a third time and said the same things. Then he went back to the disciples and said, "Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look - the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Up, let's be going. Look, my betrayer is here!" 26: 45-46 In this verse, Christ asked God the Father to take the cup of his suffering away, but repeatedly asked the God's will be done. He instructed the disciples, and us, to keep watch and pray so that we do not fall into temptation. We must be on guard against sin, reading God's word daily and pray fervently so that we may avoid sin.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Day 1

Lord, before I even start my devotional today, I ask you for patience, wisdom and discernment today. This is the day that I am going to start potty training my son. I know it's going to be full of accidents and I know that I'm going to become weary of him not understanding as fast as I want him to. Please help me remember the patience that You show me each day when I make mistakes and sin. Help me to remember the grace and patience that You have always shown me so I can reflect that to my son. Thank You, Father. Amen

Jesus knew what it was to grieve. We always see paintings or pictures of Him as this serene, serious person, but the Bible shows that He experienced the full range of human emotions. It really does make me feel better to know that God not only knows what I'm experiencing, but He has experienced it Himself. He doesn't identify with me in some abstract way. He knows what it is like to experience pain because He's been through it himself. There have been time I thought that no one cared or understood me, but now I know that's not true. I have found amazing resources, both from books and online, that deal with infertility. I have found fellowship with other women who are in similar situations and will listen whenever I have a complaint or question, and especially when I need prayer. Most importantly, I know that no matter what I'm experiencing, God is right here with me.

Isaiah 53 tells of the many ways Jesus suffered. It says He was despised and rejected (3), pierced, crushed, beaten, and whipped (5), oppressed and treated harshly (7), unjustly condemned, not cared about, killed without ever having children, and struck down (8), and buried like a criminal despite the fact that He had done no wrong (9). Jesus responded to the suffering by never saying a word and not opening his mouth (7). I can relate to His suffering physically most. I deal with my disease each day and while it generally does not cause me pain, it is still a trial. I can also relate to not having children. Although I have my wonderful son, I still long for more and it pains me to think that it might not happen.

I Made Her

This was something that was given to me just after I became a believer at a summer camp when I was 13. I've kept a copy of it in my Bible and it still makes me tear up whenever I read it. I wish I knew who the author was. I just wanted to share.

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I made her…
She is different.
She’s unique.
With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her. 1
To Me she is beautiful.

I love her.
I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh
And the silly things she says and does. 2
She brings Me great pleasure.
She is herself, and no one else, this is how I made her.

I made her pretty, but not beautiful, because I know her heart, and I knew she would be vain.
I wanted her to search out her heart, and to learn that it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her. 3

I made her in such a way that she would need Me.
I made her a little more lonesome that she would like to be… only because I needed for her to learn to depend on Me.
I knew her heart.
I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget Me…her Creator. 4

I have given her many good and happy things… because I love her. 5

I have seen her broken heart, and the tears she has cried alone.
I was with her and had a broken heart, too. 6

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold My hand.
So many lessons she has learned the hard way because she would not listen to My voice. 7

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. 8

And now she’s mine again.
I made her and then I bought her.
I paid a high price for her, because I love her. 9

I have had to reshape and remold her… to renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me. 10

I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her, because I love her. 11

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1 Psalm 139:13-16
2 Psalm 139:17
3 1 Peter 3:3-5
4 Psalm 62:5-8
5 Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:32
6 Psalm 56:8
7 Isaiah 53:6
8 Psalm 34:18
9 Romans 5:8
10 Jeremiah 29:11
11 1 Corinthians 2:14