One Year Book of Hope Week 3 Days 1 & 2

I have really been struggling lately to be up early enough to have my quiet time. I feel like I just cannot get over this cold. It's been draining my energy!

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This week's devotionals focus on God the Father. I rely on my heavenly Father even more now that my earthly father has passed on. Day 1's reading talked about the Lord's prayer. I was taught the Lord's prayer as a child and said it daily before bed. This ritual has made the prayer a routine, thoughtless thing. Having it discussed and dissected really made the prayer come alive to me. I think I will using it much more often in the future than I have in the past.

The digging deeper part of the reading today was on Matthew 6:1-18. Our heavenly Father knows all. He knows what we need before we even ask him (verse 8). We need to serve him quietly and not broadcast our actions to the world. If we boast about how much we give, or pray loudly or complain when we fast or are sacrificing in some way, we won't receive any reward for our actions. We need to not draw attention to our actions, and by doing this, we will receive our reward in heaven.

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Today's reading was about the prodigal son. I think most of us have been in that position once or twice. I can think of several times I turned my back on God and struck out on my own, only to flounder and come crawling back to the Lord. The parables in Luke 15 tells us all that the Lord is forgiving and desires each one of His children to come back to Him. He will go to any length to have us return to His fold. Of the three main characters in the parable of the prodigal son, I most relate to the older son. I (almost) always did the right thing. In high school I studied while the other kids partied. I did a ton of extra curricular activities and volunteered. Yet, the other kids were the popular ones. They were lauded for their athletic prowess and received scholarships to college for skills that came easily to them. I who worked so hard to do well, didn't get much financial assistance at all. It all seemed so unfair! I imagine that the older son must have felt somewhat like that. Looking back, I can see how far my work ethic and other experiences have brought me. I am thankful for the path I chose. I know now that the attitude I had was wrong. It's never right to compare our lot with another's. The older brother should have had an attitude of forgiveness and thankfullness that his brother had returned.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Weekend

Reflection

Jesus please show me your sorrows. You are a companion when I grieve, for You have also grieved. You submitted, in obedience to the Father's will, though it caused you pain and suffering. Help me to follow your example and obey the Father, even though it might cause me pain and suffering as well.

Meditation

Lord, when I read Hebrews 5:7-8, I can see you pleading with the Father. I picture the tears streaming down your face, your voice breaking as you ask Him to take the cup from you. I hear your voice hitching as you fervently pray that not Your will, but the Father's be done. I see the dismay and loneliness on your face when you find your disciples asleep. Lord, I know that You see every tear that I cry and weep with me. I will obey You, though it may take me through dark places of grief.

Prayer

Father, I praise You for saving me! Without the suffering and death of Your son, I would be condemned. You are the heavenly orchestrator of all things and can bring hope from despair. You alone can turn grief into dancing. Thank You for having mercy on me and always being with me and everyone who grieves. Amen.

Calm My Anxious Heart Chapter 1

My friend Mitzi and I are working through the book Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. It is amazing. I have done it before with a women's group at my old church and it really can transform your life. Mitzi and I could both use more calm in our lives right now, so we have committed to reading a chapter a week and then discussing it together. These are my reflections. :)

Here is my cup. It's actually my favorite one I have here at home and was a gift from my MIL. It's a big, colorful snowman mug. I love how it looks AND that it holds a lot of tea. It's also easy to clean. I feel a lot like that. I'm sturdy (German & Irish!) and often colorful and I can hold a lot. My friends often use me as a listening ear or a sounding board. I'm also pretty easy to clean. ;)

I wrote Philippians 4:11-13 on my white board, along with the list of never's. Hopefully that keeps them both my at the forefront of my mind.

Here's my paraphrase of our memory verse.

I didn't ever really need anything because I learned how to be happy with whatever I had. I know that I can live without anything or with everything. I know the secret to living in any situation, whether you're hungry or full, have a bunch of stuff or none at all. Here it is: I can do anything through my belief in Christ because He gives me His strength.

My definition of contentment is simply being happy with how things are.

So I wrote the 5 statements for contentment on my whiteboard and have been reading them multiple times a day. I just want to say, it's HARD to be content!!! I found out that I love to complain. It's just a casual mention here and there, but I do it all day long! It's a tough habit to break! I think Ella was truly able to have an attitude of contentment because she simply never complained and got out of the thought habits of comparing her life to other's. She made it, in her mind, to where it never occurred to her to even think about how her life was different and complain.

Here's my paraphrase of 1 Timothy 6:15.

The Lord will appear again when it is the right time, according to His plan. He is blessed and is the only supreme ruler of our lives. He is above all other things in importance and authority. He is the King of kinds, and the Lord of lords.

I have been letting the Lord be the Blessed Controller of my circumstances for the past few weeks. I had really been agonizing over my infertility and struggling with giving it to the Lord. Since I've had a quiet time at least every other day, I have known a peace that is truly beyond understanding. I can talk to friends and acquaintances and truly be happy for them without bemoaning my own state. It is amazing and I'm just so much happier than I have been in quite awhile.

As far as the story of the two monks, I know that I used to be the first monk, but right now I am more the second monk. I used to pray to the Lord to please, please, please bless me with another child! Make it a girl! Make it twins! And on, and on, and on. It's not wrong to pray to the Lord for your heart's desire. My sin was that my desire for another child had usurped my desire for the Lord's will to be done in my life above my own. Now that I am placing God's plan for my life before my own, I am finding things flow more smoothly and I have a restfulness that I did not have before.

I do think most women try to manipulate or control their situations, but I don't believe that it is just women. I believe all people do this. People are, by our very nature, sinful. Left alone, we will always desire what we do not have. Discontent breeds a desire to manipulate things to make them different so that we can achieve what we want. If we place our wants and plans in the Lord's hands and surrender them to Him, making ourselves obedient to His will, our wants and desires are transformed into His wants and desires for us.

This week I learned that the Lord does not want us to worry. Worry in and of itself is an idol. If I spend more of my time worrying about my circumstances than I do in pursuing my Lord, it means I am worshiping my circumstances instead of God. Eek! I learned that I am prone to worry, but the more I place myself and my plans for my life in the Lord's hands, the less I worry. If I have a daily quiet time and ask for the Lord to give me strength each day, I am not as concerned or anxious about the things happening in my world.

Lord, please help me to remember how truly important my daily quiet time is. Help me to remember how at peace and renewed I feel each day when I fellowship with You first. Amen.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Day 4 & Day 5

Still fighting off a cold, but I *think* it's getting better. I am really disliking getting up earlier to be with my husband before he leaves for work, but I LOVE how it changes the rest of my day when I do it. It is a privilege to spend time with him before he leaves for work and try to be a blessing to him.

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This reading was about how we define a tragedy. I would consider the earthquake in Haiti a tremendous tragedy. The author points out that a true tragedy is when a person passes away with no hope of spending eternity with the Lord. I know that the reason I feel so at peace with my father's death is because I am assured that he is in heaven.

Jesus responded to two tragedies in Luke 13:1-5 the same way. He asked the crowd he was speaking to if the people who died were worse sinners than their peers. No, they weren't he stated and then said that unless the crowd also repented, they would perish as well.

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Today's reading is about how God allows suffering and death as part of His plan for our lives. I know that I have wrestled with the question, "How can God allow this to happen?" more than once. I have been meditating on Hebrews 5:7-8 this week and the part that strikes me the most each time is "He learned obedience from the things he suffered." Christ had to learn obedience from the cross. I know that I, too must learn obedience from the things I am going through. So the question is, am I? I believe that I am. I know a peace right now about my infertility struggles that can only come from the Lord. I am learning, daily, to put my desire for another child behind my desire to know Him more and follow His plan for my life. It's as simple, and difficult, as that. I haven't given up hope for another child, quite the opposite. I am more hopeful for another child than I have been in the past two years. The strength and peace I have gotten from my daily quiet times has spilled into the other areas of my life (as I knew it would) and has helped me on my way to becoming healthier, stronger and more responsible. My daily quiet time is not only making me more spiritually healthy, but it gives me the will power to stick to healthier eating and is helping me become physically healthier as well. God is calling me to be obedient to Him by spending daily time in His word and fellowshipping with Him and I am reaping the blessings!

The bible reading today was from Hebrews 4:14-5:10. Though Christ suffered, God used His suffering to bring salvation to all. Christ himself knows what it is to suffer, so He can minister to us in our own times of suffering. I have benefited immensely from following God's plan for my life. I have an amazing Christian husband and a Christ-centered marriage. I have a wonderful son, who was more of a miracle than we knew. I have a great family, an awesome church and a job/ministry that I enjoy. I have more blessings than I can count. I know that if I continue to follow God's plan for my life, the blessings will only multiply.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Day 2 & Day 3

I didn't post yesterday, oops! In my defense, it was my birthday and DH was a love and let me sleep most of it. I'm still fighting off a cold. :)

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This reading was on death and the hope we have in Christ. It pains God when we hurt. He feels our hurts as much as we do. But as it has been stated before, we should not grieve without hope. When my father passed away this summer, I began the grieving process again, but this time, it's been different. A few weeks ago, I was trying to express how it was dissimilar from other deaths I've grieved over. At first, I couldn't put my finger on what made it different. Somehow, it seemed a healthier grief than others I had experienced. My sadness lingered, but underneath there was a profound gratitude that I had been allowed to be a part of such a wonderful man's life. Then it hit me, I had assurance that my father was in heaven. I knew for a fact, being there when he had accepted Christ, that my father was now with the Lord and was suffering no longer. What an amazing thing! I still miss my father, but I'm so happy for him that he gets to experience eternal life with Christ.

The Bible reading today was from John 11:1-44. When He learned of Lazarus' illness, Jesus said, "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this." 11:4 He waited two days and then said, "Let's go back to Judea." 11:7 The disciples objected, but Jesus said, "There are twelve hours of daylight every day. During the day people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. But at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light. Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up." 11:9-11 The disciples thought that Lazarus was actually asleep, so Jesus told them, "Lazarus is dead. And for your sakes, I'm glad I wasn't there, for now you will really believe. Come, let's go see him." 11:14 Jesus went to Bethany and was told that Lazarus had been in his grave for four days. Martha said that Lazarus wouldn't have died if Jesus had been there, and Jesus responded, "Your brother will rise again." 11:23 Martha responded that Lazarus would rise with everyone on the last day, and Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this Martha?" 11:25-26 Martha said that she did believe that Jesus was the Messiah and called for her sister, Mary. Mary came from their house, followed by the mourners. Mary also told Jesus that Lazarus would not have died if he had been there. Jesus was angered and troubled, and asked, "Where have you put him?" 11:34 Jesus went to Lazarus' grave and wept. He was still angry when he said, "Roll the stone aside." 11:39 Martha was alarmed and thought that the smell would be awful. Jesus said to her, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" 11:40 So the stone was removed and Jesus looked up to heaven and said, "Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me." Then Jesus shouted, "Lazarus, come out!" 11:40-43 Lazarus came out of the tomb with the graveclothes still on and Jesus told the people to "Unwrap him and let him go!" 11:44

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Today's reading was about feeling abandoned and lonely in grief. There have been times I have felt alone, like no one in the world truly understood my emotions, but deep inside I always knew that the Lord was with me and understood my pain.

Jesus left instructions in Matthew 26:35-46. When Christ was in the garden of Gethsemane, "he became anguished and distressed" 26:37 He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." 26:38 Jesus went a little way off by himself and prayed, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." 26:39 When he went back to the disciples, they had fallen asleep. He said to Peter, "Couldn't you watch with me even one hour? Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!" 26:40-41 Jesus then went off by himself again and prayed, "My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done." 26:42 When he went back to the disciples, they were sleeping again, so he went off to pray a third time and said the same things. Then he went back to the disciples and said, "Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look - the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Up, let's be going. Look, my betrayer is here!" 26: 45-46 In this verse, Christ asked God the Father to take the cup of his suffering away, but repeatedly asked the God's will be done. He instructed the disciples, and us, to keep watch and pray so that we do not fall into temptation. We must be on guard against sin, reading God's word daily and pray fervently so that we may avoid sin.

One Year Book of Hope Week 2 Day 1

Lord, before I even start my devotional today, I ask you for patience, wisdom and discernment today. This is the day that I am going to start potty training my son. I know it's going to be full of accidents and I know that I'm going to become weary of him not understanding as fast as I want him to. Please help me remember the patience that You show me each day when I make mistakes and sin. Help me to remember the grace and patience that You have always shown me so I can reflect that to my son. Thank You, Father. Amen

Jesus knew what it was to grieve. We always see paintings or pictures of Him as this serene, serious person, but the Bible shows that He experienced the full range of human emotions. It really does make me feel better to know that God not only knows what I'm experiencing, but He has experienced it Himself. He doesn't identify with me in some abstract way. He knows what it is like to experience pain because He's been through it himself. There have been time I thought that no one cared or understood me, but now I know that's not true. I have found amazing resources, both from books and online, that deal with infertility. I have found fellowship with other women who are in similar situations and will listen whenever I have a complaint or question, and especially when I need prayer. Most importantly, I know that no matter what I'm experiencing, God is right here with me.

Isaiah 53 tells of the many ways Jesus suffered. It says He was despised and rejected (3), pierced, crushed, beaten, and whipped (5), oppressed and treated harshly (7), unjustly condemned, not cared about, killed without ever having children, and struck down (8), and buried like a criminal despite the fact that He had done no wrong (9). Jesus responded to the suffering by never saying a word and not opening his mouth (7). I can relate to His suffering physically most. I deal with my disease each day and while it generally does not cause me pain, it is still a trial. I can also relate to not having children. Although I have my wonderful son, I still long for more and it pains me to think that it might not happen.

I Made Her

This was something that was given to me just after I became a believer at a summer camp when I was 13. I've kept a copy of it in my Bible and it still makes me tear up whenever I read it. I wish I knew who the author was. I just wanted to share.

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I made her…
She is different.
She’s unique.
With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her. 1
To Me she is beautiful.

I love her.
I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh
And the silly things she says and does. 2
She brings Me great pleasure.
She is herself, and no one else, this is how I made her.

I made her pretty, but not beautiful, because I know her heart, and I knew she would be vain.
I wanted her to search out her heart, and to learn that it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her. 3

I made her in such a way that she would need Me.
I made her a little more lonesome that she would like to be… only because I needed for her to learn to depend on Me.
I knew her heart.
I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget Me…her Creator. 4

I have given her many good and happy things… because I love her. 5

I have seen her broken heart, and the tears she has cried alone.
I was with her and had a broken heart, too. 6

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold My hand.
So many lessons she has learned the hard way because she would not listen to My voice. 7

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. 8

And now she’s mine again.
I made her and then I bought her.
I paid a high price for her, because I love her. 9

I have had to reshape and remold her… to renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me. 10

I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her, because I love her. 11

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1 Psalm 139:13-16
2 Psalm 139:17
3 1 Peter 3:3-5
4 Psalm 62:5-8
5 Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:32
6 Psalm 56:8
7 Isaiah 53:6
8 Psalm 34:18
9 Romans 5:8
10 Jeremiah 29:11
11 1 Corinthians 2:14

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Weekend

Reflection

I hear untruths in my mind like I'm not a good mother and I don't deserve more children or if I pray hard enough/am a good enough Christian, I'll earn another child.

I am determined to trust God with my future. That is evident in my life from my actions and my words (I hope).

Meditation

God, you know how broken I am. You are beginning to put me back together. You know the desires of my heart fully. You know how my heart yearns for another child, but that yearning is slowly being replaced by a yearning for You and for that, I praise You! My spirit was withering, but I am slowly being renewed. Thank You, thank You, thank You! You hear my every prayer. I feel like metal that is being reshaped. I had to be beaten and melted down before I could become something new, beautiful and useful again. Lord, please help me to feel Your presence. I desperately need to know You hear me. I want to desire You before anything else.

Prayer

I praise You Lord. You are big enough for all of my worries, fears and insecurities. I trust You with my future. You have plans for me that are better than the ones I have for myself. I know that no matter what happens to me or my family, I can trust You.

NIV Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thank you Lord for loving me as Your child. You care more for me than I could possibly comprehend. You have seen each and every hurt that I have felt, and cried with me. I have never been alone.

The Message Psalm 56:8 You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.

Lord, I pray for my family and friends who are going through tough situations. I pray that You would use their trials to soften their hearts so that they would be more open to You. Please don't let their hearts be hardened during their troubles. Thank You, Lord.

Sweet Mercies

A broken heart and a contrite spirit

You have yet to deny

Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current

Let the river flow

By Your spirit now

Lord, we cry

Hannah's Hope Chapter Sixteen

Just as there are many definitions of a family, motherhood is not only defined by birthing children. I have been mothered by many women and in turn, have mothered many children. I currently have three amazing Christian women in my life (that are not related to me) that I can go to for spiritual support, advice and a listening ear. In addition to my son, I have mothered many children that I have worked with, especially a beautiful teenage girl that was once a part of my youth group. I pray that God will continue to allow me to mother many more children. What a tremendous blessing to so impact a child's life for the Lord!

If we ever do get pregnant again, I know that my loss of innocence will affect my thinking. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories along my infertility journey. I'm sure that Satan will use my fears to attack me where I'm vulnerable, but you can't live in daily fear. I will need to remember to offer everything up to the Lord, for His plans are good. There have been a few times that I have though God might take my living child from me. Even if that does happen, I need to remember that I can trust the Lord and He has plans for my child and I.

That finishes off Hannah's Hope. It's truly an amazing book and I highly recommend it to anyone going through infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. I am currently experiencing peace in my infertility journey. My husband and I have decided to take six months off from trying to conceive to become healthier, both physically and spiritually. Somewhere along the way, we lost our focus on God and began focusing on trying to have another baby instead. WE are only one month into our break, but I already feel renewed and have experienced the peace that passes understanding that I know comes from my Lord. I pray that I will continue to grow closer to Him as I rest and reflect and then once again begin my journey along the road of infertility.

Hannah's Hope Chapters Fourteen & Fifteen

Hannah's Hope Chapter Fourteen

It is so easy to think of the definition of family as parents and children, but it's not! When God joins a man and a woman together in marriage, they are already a family and are complete. Children should never be the focus of a marriage. Most churches, including mine are very child focused. There are so many people out there nursing hidden hurts from miscarriages and other losses, but no one talks about it, because grief makes people uncomfortable.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Fifteen

I believe I am finally at a place in my infertility journey where I desire God's plan for my life more than my heart's desires. Though I still experience setbacks, it is a wonderfully freeing thing! I am able to greet pregnant women with a smile and honestly share in their joy, most of the time. :) I can either choose to experience grief or choose to live, praising the Lord daily for his many blessings. It is my choice.

"Waiting becomes worship when our as-yet-unfulfilled hopes and dreams take a secondary place to knowing, loving, and trusting our God." Jan Frank - A Graceful Waiting

This quote affected me profoundly!!! What powerful words. Waiting without the Lord's peace is agony. There is no way to know if you will ever become pregnant or if you will, how long it will take. If God would speak and say "Yes, I will bless you with a child, but not right now," it would be so much easier. Even a "No." would at least allow me to move on, allow the grieving to progress and maybe resolve, but waiting is just so hard. I am at last coming to appreciate my time of waiting. God has used it to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been and it's wonderful. I know I am more the person He wants me to be now than I was before my waiting.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Thirteen

I have definitely been through and continue to go through the grieving process. It's one step forward and two steps back. I think one of the hardest things about infertility in any form is it's lack of closure. When you grieve a person, you begin at one point, usually sickness and/or death, and process until it's done. People only die once. With infertility, especially as a woman, you might go through the grieving process each month. How utterly exhausting! It makes me feel good to know that not only is it human to grieve, but it's biblical as well. Jesus wept for Lazarus. He shows us that it is okay for Christians to show hurt. We just need to remember, even in our grief, that we have the ultimate hope in our Lord. I think many people are uncomfortable with grief in others. They don't know how to respond to it and usually end up saying the first thing that enters their minds, which often seems to result in a case of foot-in-the-mouth disorder. I truly cannot believe some of the thoughtless things people say.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Twelve

01/02/10

Our church hasn't really been a part of my infertility journey yet. I don't keep it a secret, it's just not something that I talk about much. Infertility isn't something that usually comes up in casual conversation. I'm kind of afraid to tell people because I don't know what their reactions will be. I am afraid that people will want to know why I can't be happy with the one child I have. I would like to find a group locally that deals with infertility and secondary infertility, but so far I have been unsuccessful. I feel lonely for someone my age who understands and has been where I am. I don't really have the choice to not go to church, which is going to be a problem when all the new babies arrive, nor do I really want to leave. I connect with God on Sundays and I really need the fellowship. I pray that God will grant me the strength to be genuinely happy for these new parents while protecting my hurting heart at the same time. Maybe I should be more transparent to my church family?

Hannah's Hope Chapter Eleven

01/02/10

I do not believe that infertility is caused by a lack of faith. I do not think that you can pray your way to a child. I do think that prayer is a necessary part of a person's spiritual life, but just because you pray for something doesn't mean that you will get it. I have never met a parent that gave their child everything they asked for. Ice cream for breakfast isn't a good idea (most of the time). God has a good plan for me. I don't want another child if it means abandoning His plan for my life. I do agree with and also believe that if God desires something to happen, it WILL happen, no matter what the state of my faith. Have I been treating God like a heavenly Santa Claus? If I do what I should, everything the way He wants me to, then He is obliged to give me what I want. I confess I have felt that way; that I deserve another child. The reality is, I don't deserve anything.

Hannah's Hope Chapters Nine & Ten

01/01/10 Hannah's Hope Chapter Nine

I know I have experienced bitterness from my infertility. At least I know I am not alone. Many women in the Bible experienced bitterness and I'm sure that even more have experienced it outside of the Bible! I pray that I have learned to deal with my emotions before they turn to bitterness. It's an ongoing battle. I know now that in order to keep bitterness from invading my soul. I need to cultivate my soul by using God's word daily as a tool against it.

01/02/10 Hannah's Hope Chapter Ten

How far am I willing to go for another child? How far can we go medically before we run into ethical problems? Is it fair to the rest of our family to go into debt or spend all of our excess income on having another child? How do we know which way to go? I have so many questions! What are my limits? Jim and I have discussed this, but haven't come to any concrete conclusions. "Is my pursuit of a child honoring His blessings, or squandering what I have been given?" was a question that was asked in the book. Right now I don't know. Another question was "Am I trying to force God's hand?" Some days is sure seems like it, especially since Gabe wasn't planned by us. We know now how much of a miracle he is. He is our gift from God.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Eight

01/01/10

I have found out two more women at our church are pregnant, that brings the count up to four now, with three of them due in June. I almost feel like I did when I was a child and denied entrance into a club that I desperately wanted to join. You cannot help but see pregnant women and babies everywhere you go, it's just a fact of life. I can choose to be jealous and bitter, or I can choose to be joyful, seeing each baby for what it truly is - a blessing from God, even if it's not my own. I know that I need to come to God with my questions. I have not been faithful. How can I be nourished daily when I don't come to Him for my daily bread? I have been under quite a bit of stress lately, which in turn has had a significant effect on my health. I know my doctors are concerned. If God granted me my desire right at this moment, most likely the baby would have complications. I need to set aside my selfish desire until it is possible to bring another life into this world safely. I don't want to stop trying, but I know I must. I need to be healthy first off so I can serve the Lord and then my family. Babies should come last on my list! I need to get my priorities straight. I know I have not been treating my body like a temple at all! Therefore, my New Year's resolutions are twofold - #1. Be Healthy - eat better, get my numbers under control and exercise; #2. Be Spiritually Healthy - fellowship with other Christian women on a regular basis, have a daily quiet time and serve the Lord in all areas of my life.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Seven

10/20/09

Does Jim deal with infertility the same way I do? No, not at all. I am immersed in it daily - it seems as if anything can make me think of it. Gabe playing on the floor with a friend to seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn at the store. On a side note, my friend J (who is also my pastor's wife) just found out she is expecting. Up to this point, I have not had anyone around me become pregnant. It's easy to be happy for others from a distance, but a much different thing up close. J is not someone I could avoid, nor would I want to. I am thrilled for her, but seeing her will also serve as a reminder for me as to what I cannot seem to achieve. Each meeting will bring a new battle with grief. I'm not sure how to cope with this. The emotions are absolutely exhausting. Can I be confident that time will make it easier to bear or will it only crease my pain as her stomach begins to grow? There are no easy answers. Back to my spouse, I find that infertility affects him in small windows. A few weeks ago our son was playing by himself in his room. My husband came to me and told me that it made him sad that Gabe had to play by himself since he had no siblings and that even if we got pregnant right away, it would still be years before he could play with a sibling. This seemed to be a revelation to him, while for me, it is a daily thought. I envy him his ability to compartmentalize his emotions and thoughts. Perhaps I have such a hard time because it is all tied directly to my body - something I cannot possibly avoid.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Six

I am just now posting my reflections on the rest of Hannah's Hope. I had journaled on it quite awhile ago, but am just now getting to post it. Sorry for the delay! If anybody reading this blog is dealing with infertility of any form, I highly recommend this book. I feel like the author, Jennifer Saake, led me out of the darkness. :)

10/20/09

So many things have happened since I've written last. My father passed away this past July after a long and weary battle with CHF (congestive heart failure). He accepted Christ about a week before he passed, which was a much prayed for blessing. My mother is holding up much better than anyone expected and I've proud of her. My body continues to confuse and infuriate me. My past two cycles have been an exercise in frustration. I at least feel like my husband Jim and I are doing something to begin to add to our family. We have gone over our finances and have taken out a loan to begin to pay off our credit card and extensive medical debt. I at least now feel like we have a plan. We will soon be getting some budget counseling and Financial Peace program next year. I hope that our finances continue to get better so we can afford to adopt and buy a home in the not-so-distant future

Hannah's Hope Chapter Six

There was given me a thorn in my flesh... Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

This verse resonates deeply with me right now. I have so many "thorns" embedded so deeply within me: my diabetes, my depression, infertility. I continually pray that the Lord will help me be healthy and take my trials away, but it seems my prayers go unanswered. I know He hears me. If I did not suffer what kind of person would I be? I would have little compassion for others, thinking them weak and complainers. I might think myself superior to many. I know I would not appreciate my family the way I do nor would I feel the incalculable gratitude to God for my precious son, who may be the only child I am granted here on Earth. My trails are actually a blessing in disguise. From them, I have learned many lessons. I have learned to look past people's appearances and actions and not make assumptions. We do not have the right to judge anyone because we have not walked in their shoes. People should be met with love, always. It is not up to us to understand why, simply to love them. I know extensively the depth of my flaws and inadequacies. I know I am undeserving of all my blessings and am superior to no one. I have so many blessings in my life and am learning how to focus on them and not my problems. The one thing I know my trials have done for me that I value most is to bring me closer to Christ. If I had not suffered I might have not thought myself in need of salvation.

Real Moms... Real Jesus Chapter 2

The Truth About Worship

Jesus gets moms. I always knew he understood me, but now I know that he "gets" me. This book has been great and really shown me significant parallels between my ministry as a mother and Jesus' ministry. Jesus knew what it was like for people to constantly need him. Yet, it didn't seem to bother him the way it can get to me sometimes. It's because Jesus had the right perspective. Everything he did was an act of worship to the Father.

The point that really struck me in this chapter is that worry is the worship of our circumstances! Woah. Stop for a second. How often do I worry about things that are going on in my life? Um, a lot. How often am I praising God for everything He's doing for me? Not enough. I have been worshiping my problems! Yikes! That really puts things into perspective for me. I need to continue to be faithful in reading my Bible so that I can keep things in the right perspective every day. I need to remember that doing my daily tasks, even changing diapers and taking out the trash, are worship if I have the right perspective.

I have several things that can become false idols to me, mostly money, worry in general and my health. I have been getting better at conquering these things through having my daily quiet time. It allows me to start my day off calmly and give all my worries to God instead of carrying them with me all day. It's wonderful!

There are so many things that I do as a mother that can be an act of worship if I let them, loading and unloading the dishwasher (yay for dishwashers!), wiping off the counters & table, picking up toys, reading to my son, doing laundry, cooking, running around to therapy and doctor's appointments and even doing laundry. For me, I really struggle with cooking and changing diapers right now. I just don't have the motivation or knowledge base to cook well (I think). I am also really struggling with the diapers right now. Our son is at an age where he could potty train if he desired, but he's just not ready yet. I am having a hard time being patient with him and waiting for his timing. I will pray about these thing and ask that the Lord will give me patience, wisdom and perseverance to overcome them. :)

I think that the addiction I struggle with most right now is the computer! I love how easy it makes it to stay connected with friends, fellowship with other women, check the news and weather, find out my account balance and play games. I find myself seated at the computer a lot throughout the day, sometimes at the expense of spending time with my son. I need to be better about making sure he's getting the attention that he deserves and needs from me.

Take a listen to the song "God Shaped Hole" by Plumb. What have you been using to try and fill the void?

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 5

I'm sorry I've been delayed in posting. I've had a nasty cold that's been kicking my bottom and I've spent most of the past several days in bed. I'm going to try to catch up and start back on track this upcoming Monday.

Today's reading was about choosing to trust in the Lord daily. I believe it's almost easy to tell God that you trust His plan for your life because the future isn't a tangible thing. Trusting God with my today is really difficult for me. I have so many things that need to be done and so many worries.

This is my prayer today: Lord, today I choose to trust You. I trust that You know what is going on with the health of my husband and can minister to his body and give the doctors treating him wisdom. I trust that You know what is going on in my own body. I trust that You will give me the strength and wisdom I need to change for the better. I trust that You know what is happening in my son's body and Your plan for him is better than mine could ever be. I trust that You have chosen the right doctors for him to see and the right therapists for him to work with. I trust that you have our finances in Your hands. I trust that You will not let us want for anything that we truly need. Lord, I trust You with my today and all of my tomorrow's.

The reading for today was from Psalm 40. The psalmist based his choice on trusting God on the many wonders that God performed. God had demonstrated His power many times to the psalmist, just as He has done in my own life. This impacted the people around the psalmist because he told everyone around him about God's justice, faithfulness, saving power and unfailing love. The psalmist wrote of his troubled circumstances. He said that troubles surrounded him and that his sins were too numerous to count. The benefits of trusting God are being filled with joy and gladness despite the circumstances you may face.

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 4

I had a bad SI day today. I went to a playgroup with a lot of siblings and babies present. There were several times I had to swallow a lump in my throat and try to function normally so I didn't scare anyone. The devotional today made the very important point that whenever there is suffering and pain, there is also hope. Hope is one thing that never goes away. No matter how much sorrow you experience, hope is always there if you look for it. Even though I'm suffering right now, I can look back in my life and see the many, many ways God has blessed me. He is faithful and has never left me. He loves me. In my time of sorrow, I must focus on God's love for me. It quite possibly might be the only way I'm going to make through this.

The reading for today was in Lamentations, chapter 3 and it hit me hard. The author asks us to relate to what was said in verses 1-20. I can relate to so much here. "He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light," verse 2. SI is a very dark place for me. I don't like who I am here and I have a hard time seeing my way. Verse 4 says, "He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead." I do feel buried by SI. It affects all faucets of my life. I just can't seem to dig my way out. Each time I think I'm making progress, something happens and the walls fall in on me and I have to start all over. Verse 9 says, "He has blocked my way with a high stone wall; he has made my road crooked." I do feel cut off in my desire to have another child. I feel like I'm facing unsurmountable obstacles and it fills my heart with despair. My road down this path has been anything but straight. Verse 14 says, "My own people laugh at me, All day long they sing their mocking songs." I have many people in my life who don't understand what I'm going through and some don't even try to. They offer trite advice. It's like they want to put a band-aid on my pain so they don't have to hear about it. They think I should just get over it, but it's not that simple. I wish it were. The verse that strikes me the most is verse 20, "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss." I know I will never forget this time in my life. I can only hope that like Job, God will lead me out of this time of sorrow and bless me twice as much on the other side.

In verses 21-66, the author asks us what the writer chose to do and believe that generated hope. In verses 21-22 it says, "Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease." The writer of lamentations chose to hope because he knew that throughout all his trials, the love of God was with him. In verses 24-27 the writer says that it is good to hope in the Lord, that it is good to sit quietly and wait for salvation from the Lord, and that it is good to submit to the Lord at an early age. So hoping in the Lord, waiting quietly for salvation and submitting to the Lord early on all generate hope.

Real Moms... Real Jesus Chapter 1

I received this book at a Christmas present from a fantastic group of moms at my church's parent church. I felt like I could use a mothering boost today since my parenting ability feels like it has taken a nose dive today. So far today my child has refused to nap, told me repeatedly to go away and pooped in his diaper not 30 seconds after getting off the toilet. *sigh*

The Truth About Serving

The first chapter of this book was eye opening. I've never realized that my life in anyway resembles any of the things that Jesus went through. The point that really hit home to me was that Jesus used interruptions as a chance to serve others. I am interrupted about a million times a day! Jesus was a person that everyone wanted to know more about. People followed him around all the time. At one point, he even had to get into a boat to get away! (Sounds pretty good to me!) He was interrupted all the time, but instead of getting annoyed (which would be my default reaction) he used those opportunities to serve - the Samaritan woman, Zacchaeus and others. I need to cultivate a servants heart so that when my son interrupts me (for the sixth time) when I'm cleaning the kitchen, I can turn my attention to him fully for at least a few minutes. Who really cares if my kitchen is dirty? I'd rather have a son who knows deep in his heart how loved and valued he is than a spotless kitchen any day!

I had never thought about motherhood as the ministry of availability. Thinking of it as such really emphasizes the fact to me that what I am doing IS a ministry and I should treat it as such. I should put serious thought into what I'm doing, be intentional about it and be proud of it!

I have always talked to God as a friend. It's just come naturally to me. What I really need to work on is being sure to have daily fellowship with the Lord.

I do struggle with receiving other people's help. It's easy to offer to help others, but when they offer to help you, my first response is that I can do it myself. This is especially true when it come to house work. I don't want anyone to know how disorganized and dirty my house can really be sometimes!

I really want to remember this week to remember that motherhood is a ministry and a blessing, not an obligation.

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 3

Today's devotional talked about the two ways you can respond to pain in your life. You can either let it harden your heart towards God or you can use it to soften your heart and make you more sensitive to the Lord. It really is a choice. My knee-jerk reaction is to yell and be mad, but if I take a few seconds to think about it, I know in my heart that the Lord isn't allowing things to happen to me to make me suffer. Everything is happening according to His plan for my life, which is good. I can make the choice to see each circumstance as an opportunity to grow closer to Him and let Him shine through me.

The reading for today was Hebrews 3. The Israelites hearts were hardened because they rebelled and tested God when they were in the wilderness. The consequences of this was God not letting them enter the promised land. I need to follow the instructions of Hebrews 3:12-15 and make sure my heart harbors no evil or unbelief that could turn me away from God. If I see a fellow believer starting to take that path, I must warn them off of it. If I am faithful to the end and trust God, I will share in all that belongs to Christ.

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 2

Today's devotional talked about crying and how many people see crying not only as a lack of control, but a lack of faith as well, as if a person had enough faith, then they wouldn't be sad. It's a fact of our imperfect, broken world that bad things happen and they make us sad. I lost my father this past July, who I am still grieving for. My health and the health issues of my family are daily causes for frustration and pain. My continuing struggles with infertility are daily and sometimes hourly reminders that I feel my life is incomplete.

I should say that I dislike crying, which is almost comical for someone who cries so easily. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad and even sometimes when I laugh. I am the sap who cries at the Hallmark commercials. I must have gone through at least two boxes of tissues the first time I saw Titanic. My poor date asked me more than once if we should leave. Also, I am not one of those attractive criers. You know the girls who's eyes just well up with tears until they tremble on their lashes and then gently slide down their cheeks. Mine are more of a gush than a slide and are accompanied by blotchy skin, red eyes and a runny nose for good measure. It's not pretty, so I generally try to avoid it.

The thing that really hit home to me today was that the author noted that God is sad with us. That is so profound to me, that I'm going to say it again. God is sad with us! He's not up there looking down on us in disdain as we grieve, thinking to himself that we should just build a bridge and get over it. He grieves with us. What parent ever likes to see their child hurting? I know I don't. I have cried at almost every shot my child has gotten. How much worse must it be for our heavenly Father? I don't think I could handle that kind of pain. Knowing that the Lord is sad because I am sad definitely soothes my hurting heart.

The reading today was from Psalm 56 and we were asked to make a list of what David determined to do despite his tears. Here's my list of what David said:

1. I will put my trust in you. Verse 3b, 11a
2. I praise God for what he has promised. Verse 4a, 10b
3. I will fulfill my vows to you, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for your help. Verse 12

Lord, though I know sorrow and my tears continue to fall, I will trust in You. I will praise You for your numerous blessings upon me and Lord, I WILL fulfill the purpose You have given me. I will walk in Your way and follow Your plan for my life. Amen

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 1

My new devotional has reiterated my need for daily time in God's word. I like the way the author likened it to manna. My daily quiet time is my daily nourishment for my soul and without it, I can't function.

Today my devotional focused on Psalm 119. At first glance, it's a bit of a daunting task to read it since it's so long, but it contains so much wisdom. My devotional asked, "What does the psalmist ask God for that you also want to ask of God?" Well, the first thing was verse 8b, "Please don't give up on me!" I feel that way a lot lately, like a lost cause. I'm just so broken! I know in my heart that only the divine healer can fix me. The next thing I noted was verse 12b, "Teach me your decrees." The best way for the Lord to do this is for me to immerse myself in His word. Yet another reminder of how important my daily time with Him is.

Verse 25 says, "I lie in the dust; revive me by your word." I wouldn't say that I'm laying in the dust just yet, but I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know that the only thing that can fix me is the earnest seeking of my Lord. Verse 28, "I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word." I have been weeping with sorrow, almost daily in fact. My sorrow usually isn't the sit-and-cry-for-half-an-hour-chest-heaving type of sorrow. Mine hits me in patches. I'll be doing fine, going along with my day when something will strike me and I'll feel the tears beginning to well up. If I'm not in public, I'll do my best rapid blink to try to get them to go away. If I'm at home, I might let a few escape and then sigh and keep going. Perhaps I should just sit down and let it all crash over me and let it all out. Maybe a good long cry is something that I need.

Verse 65 says, "You have done many good things for me, LORD, just as you promised." That is so true. I have blessing too numerous to count, so why am I constantly focusing on what I don't have? It's so frustrating. Lord, please help me to focus on You, not my infertility! Verse 71 states, "My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees." Could all the hurt and pain I'm going through actually be good for me? I believe it can, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Lord, I pray that what I'm going through will be a refining fire for me and that it will shape me into your image. I pray that I can find positives in my pain. Verse 76 says, " Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant." Oh Lord, please surround me with your love. It would mean so much to me today to feel your love. It seemed to me that you've been so far from me these past several months, even though I know you've been walking along side me. Please let me feel your love, Lord.

"Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path," Verse 105. How many times does the Psalmist repeat this sentiment? I've lost count. I need to be faithful to my quiet time. Verse 132 says, "Come and show me your mercy, as you do for all who love your name." I could use some mercy right now. I long to be taken out of this circumstance, either by becoming pregnant or by having the Lord tell me that more children are not in His plan for my life. It's so frustrating not to know which way I should go. I pray and pray for answers, but hear nothing. Perhaps He is saying "Wait," but I even have questions on that. How do I wait? Should we stop trying completely? Should I be doing something while I'm waiting? Lord, please have mercy and give me answers! Ironically, (does the Lord do irony? I think He does.) the verse 145 says, "I pray with all my heart; answer me, LORD! I will obey your decrees." Verse 169 says, "O LORD, listen to my cry; give me the discerning mind you promised." Lord, please grant me the wisdom to know what You would wish me to do.

I'm really enjoying this devotional. I read the author's book on hope and was blown away. It's a shame that 6 am comes so early!

You're All I Want

I woke up this morning with the song "Draw Me Close" running through my head. It's one of a few ways that God lets me know when I need to work on something. I've been struggling quite a bit for the past few months, wrestling with several issues that plague me. The biggest issue is my continuing infertility, which is directly linked to the health of my husband and I. I realized a few days ago that I have let that desire to have another child overtake my desire for knowing my Lord better. This morning, I am singing the words to this song wholeheartedly, with tears running down my face.

Lord, draw me close to you. Never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend. You are my desire. No one else will do. 'Cause nothing else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace. Help me find the way, bring me back to you!

You're all I want. You're all I've ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know you are near.

Lord, this is what I pray to you today. Please bring me back to you. Help me to reestablish a time daily where I can connect with you. I need this time. My life is withering without you. I want You more than I want another child, but I still struggle with this. I am like the father in Mark who said, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" I want to want You with every fiber of my being, over any of my other desires, but I need help with this. My desire for a child is so strong, Lord. I have daily, sometimes hourly reminders of this desire. Lord, I desire You, help me to desire You first!

I do plan on continuing my posts about Hannah's Hope and will be posting about a few other books that I am reading after I am finished. I have been struggling with my health and emotions since the passing of my father this past July, and I regret that they have drawn me away from this blog. I am using the new year as a time to reconnect spiritually with my Lord. If you would like to help me be accountable, please let me know. :)

Ordinary Princess J