One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 5

I'm sorry I've been delayed in posting. I've had a nasty cold that's been kicking my bottom and I've spent most of the past several days in bed. I'm going to try to catch up and start back on track this upcoming Monday.

Today's reading was about choosing to trust in the Lord daily. I believe it's almost easy to tell God that you trust His plan for your life because the future isn't a tangible thing. Trusting God with my today is really difficult for me. I have so many things that need to be done and so many worries.

This is my prayer today: Lord, today I choose to trust You. I trust that You know what is going on with the health of my husband and can minister to his body and give the doctors treating him wisdom. I trust that You know what is going on in my own body. I trust that You will give me the strength and wisdom I need to change for the better. I trust that You know what is happening in my son's body and Your plan for him is better than mine could ever be. I trust that You have chosen the right doctors for him to see and the right therapists for him to work with. I trust that you have our finances in Your hands. I trust that You will not let us want for anything that we truly need. Lord, I trust You with my today and all of my tomorrow's.

The reading for today was from Psalm 40. The psalmist based his choice on trusting God on the many wonders that God performed. God had demonstrated His power many times to the psalmist, just as He has done in my own life. This impacted the people around the psalmist because he told everyone around him about God's justice, faithfulness, saving power and unfailing love. The psalmist wrote of his troubled circumstances. He said that troubles surrounded him and that his sins were too numerous to count. The benefits of trusting God are being filled with joy and gladness despite the circumstances you may face.

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 4

I had a bad SI day today. I went to a playgroup with a lot of siblings and babies present. There were several times I had to swallow a lump in my throat and try to function normally so I didn't scare anyone. The devotional today made the very important point that whenever there is suffering and pain, there is also hope. Hope is one thing that never goes away. No matter how much sorrow you experience, hope is always there if you look for it. Even though I'm suffering right now, I can look back in my life and see the many, many ways God has blessed me. He is faithful and has never left me. He loves me. In my time of sorrow, I must focus on God's love for me. It quite possibly might be the only way I'm going to make through this.

The reading for today was in Lamentations, chapter 3 and it hit me hard. The author asks us to relate to what was said in verses 1-20. I can relate to so much here. "He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light," verse 2. SI is a very dark place for me. I don't like who I am here and I have a hard time seeing my way. Verse 4 says, "He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead." I do feel buried by SI. It affects all faucets of my life. I just can't seem to dig my way out. Each time I think I'm making progress, something happens and the walls fall in on me and I have to start all over. Verse 9 says, "He has blocked my way with a high stone wall; he has made my road crooked." I do feel cut off in my desire to have another child. I feel like I'm facing unsurmountable obstacles and it fills my heart with despair. My road down this path has been anything but straight. Verse 14 says, "My own people laugh at me, All day long they sing their mocking songs." I have many people in my life who don't understand what I'm going through and some don't even try to. They offer trite advice. It's like they want to put a band-aid on my pain so they don't have to hear about it. They think I should just get over it, but it's not that simple. I wish it were. The verse that strikes me the most is verse 20, "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss." I know I will never forget this time in my life. I can only hope that like Job, God will lead me out of this time of sorrow and bless me twice as much on the other side.

In verses 21-66, the author asks us what the writer chose to do and believe that generated hope. In verses 21-22 it says, "Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease." The writer of lamentations chose to hope because he knew that throughout all his trials, the love of God was with him. In verses 24-27 the writer says that it is good to hope in the Lord, that it is good to sit quietly and wait for salvation from the Lord, and that it is good to submit to the Lord at an early age. So hoping in the Lord, waiting quietly for salvation and submitting to the Lord early on all generate hope.

Real Moms... Real Jesus Chapter 1

I received this book at a Christmas present from a fantastic group of moms at my church's parent church. I felt like I could use a mothering boost today since my parenting ability feels like it has taken a nose dive today. So far today my child has refused to nap, told me repeatedly to go away and pooped in his diaper not 30 seconds after getting off the toilet. *sigh*

The Truth About Serving

The first chapter of this book was eye opening. I've never realized that my life in anyway resembles any of the things that Jesus went through. The point that really hit home to me was that Jesus used interruptions as a chance to serve others. I am interrupted about a million times a day! Jesus was a person that everyone wanted to know more about. People followed him around all the time. At one point, he even had to get into a boat to get away! (Sounds pretty good to me!) He was interrupted all the time, but instead of getting annoyed (which would be my default reaction) he used those opportunities to serve - the Samaritan woman, Zacchaeus and others. I need to cultivate a servants heart so that when my son interrupts me (for the sixth time) when I'm cleaning the kitchen, I can turn my attention to him fully for at least a few minutes. Who really cares if my kitchen is dirty? I'd rather have a son who knows deep in his heart how loved and valued he is than a spotless kitchen any day!

I had never thought about motherhood as the ministry of availability. Thinking of it as such really emphasizes the fact to me that what I am doing IS a ministry and I should treat it as such. I should put serious thought into what I'm doing, be intentional about it and be proud of it!

I have always talked to God as a friend. It's just come naturally to me. What I really need to work on is being sure to have daily fellowship with the Lord.

I do struggle with receiving other people's help. It's easy to offer to help others, but when they offer to help you, my first response is that I can do it myself. This is especially true when it come to house work. I don't want anyone to know how disorganized and dirty my house can really be sometimes!

I really want to remember this week to remember that motherhood is a ministry and a blessing, not an obligation.

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 3

Today's devotional talked about the two ways you can respond to pain in your life. You can either let it harden your heart towards God or you can use it to soften your heart and make you more sensitive to the Lord. It really is a choice. My knee-jerk reaction is to yell and be mad, but if I take a few seconds to think about it, I know in my heart that the Lord isn't allowing things to happen to me to make me suffer. Everything is happening according to His plan for my life, which is good. I can make the choice to see each circumstance as an opportunity to grow closer to Him and let Him shine through me.

The reading for today was Hebrews 3. The Israelites hearts were hardened because they rebelled and tested God when they were in the wilderness. The consequences of this was God not letting them enter the promised land. I need to follow the instructions of Hebrews 3:12-15 and make sure my heart harbors no evil or unbelief that could turn me away from God. If I see a fellow believer starting to take that path, I must warn them off of it. If I am faithful to the end and trust God, I will share in all that belongs to Christ.

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 2

Today's devotional talked about crying and how many people see crying not only as a lack of control, but a lack of faith as well, as if a person had enough faith, then they wouldn't be sad. It's a fact of our imperfect, broken world that bad things happen and they make us sad. I lost my father this past July, who I am still grieving for. My health and the health issues of my family are daily causes for frustration and pain. My continuing struggles with infertility are daily and sometimes hourly reminders that I feel my life is incomplete.

I should say that I dislike crying, which is almost comical for someone who cries so easily. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad and even sometimes when I laugh. I am the sap who cries at the Hallmark commercials. I must have gone through at least two boxes of tissues the first time I saw Titanic. My poor date asked me more than once if we should leave. Also, I am not one of those attractive criers. You know the girls who's eyes just well up with tears until they tremble on their lashes and then gently slide down their cheeks. Mine are more of a gush than a slide and are accompanied by blotchy skin, red eyes and a runny nose for good measure. It's not pretty, so I generally try to avoid it.

The thing that really hit home to me today was that the author noted that God is sad with us. That is so profound to me, that I'm going to say it again. God is sad with us! He's not up there looking down on us in disdain as we grieve, thinking to himself that we should just build a bridge and get over it. He grieves with us. What parent ever likes to see their child hurting? I know I don't. I have cried at almost every shot my child has gotten. How much worse must it be for our heavenly Father? I don't think I could handle that kind of pain. Knowing that the Lord is sad because I am sad definitely soothes my hurting heart.

The reading today was from Psalm 56 and we were asked to make a list of what David determined to do despite his tears. Here's my list of what David said:

1. I will put my trust in you. Verse 3b, 11a
2. I praise God for what he has promised. Verse 4a, 10b
3. I will fulfill my vows to you, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for your help. Verse 12

Lord, though I know sorrow and my tears continue to fall, I will trust in You. I will praise You for your numerous blessings upon me and Lord, I WILL fulfill the purpose You have given me. I will walk in Your way and follow Your plan for my life. Amen

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 1

My new devotional has reiterated my need for daily time in God's word. I like the way the author likened it to manna. My daily quiet time is my daily nourishment for my soul and without it, I can't function.

Today my devotional focused on Psalm 119. At first glance, it's a bit of a daunting task to read it since it's so long, but it contains so much wisdom. My devotional asked, "What does the psalmist ask God for that you also want to ask of God?" Well, the first thing was verse 8b, "Please don't give up on me!" I feel that way a lot lately, like a lost cause. I'm just so broken! I know in my heart that only the divine healer can fix me. The next thing I noted was verse 12b, "Teach me your decrees." The best way for the Lord to do this is for me to immerse myself in His word. Yet another reminder of how important my daily time with Him is.

Verse 25 says, "I lie in the dust; revive me by your word." I wouldn't say that I'm laying in the dust just yet, but I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know that the only thing that can fix me is the earnest seeking of my Lord. Verse 28, "I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word." I have been weeping with sorrow, almost daily in fact. My sorrow usually isn't the sit-and-cry-for-half-an-hour-chest-heaving type of sorrow. Mine hits me in patches. I'll be doing fine, going along with my day when something will strike me and I'll feel the tears beginning to well up. If I'm not in public, I'll do my best rapid blink to try to get them to go away. If I'm at home, I might let a few escape and then sigh and keep going. Perhaps I should just sit down and let it all crash over me and let it all out. Maybe a good long cry is something that I need.

Verse 65 says, "You have done many good things for me, LORD, just as you promised." That is so true. I have blessing too numerous to count, so why am I constantly focusing on what I don't have? It's so frustrating. Lord, please help me to focus on You, not my infertility! Verse 71 states, "My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees." Could all the hurt and pain I'm going through actually be good for me? I believe it can, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Lord, I pray that what I'm going through will be a refining fire for me and that it will shape me into your image. I pray that I can find positives in my pain. Verse 76 says, " Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant." Oh Lord, please surround me with your love. It would mean so much to me today to feel your love. It seemed to me that you've been so far from me these past several months, even though I know you've been walking along side me. Please let me feel your love, Lord.

"Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path," Verse 105. How many times does the Psalmist repeat this sentiment? I've lost count. I need to be faithful to my quiet time. Verse 132 says, "Come and show me your mercy, as you do for all who love your name." I could use some mercy right now. I long to be taken out of this circumstance, either by becoming pregnant or by having the Lord tell me that more children are not in His plan for my life. It's so frustrating not to know which way I should go. I pray and pray for answers, but hear nothing. Perhaps He is saying "Wait," but I even have questions on that. How do I wait? Should we stop trying completely? Should I be doing something while I'm waiting? Lord, please have mercy and give me answers! Ironically, (does the Lord do irony? I think He does.) the verse 145 says, "I pray with all my heart; answer me, LORD! I will obey your decrees." Verse 169 says, "O LORD, listen to my cry; give me the discerning mind you promised." Lord, please grant me the wisdom to know what You would wish me to do.

I'm really enjoying this devotional. I read the author's book on hope and was blown away. It's a shame that 6 am comes so early!

You're All I Want

I woke up this morning with the song "Draw Me Close" running through my head. It's one of a few ways that God lets me know when I need to work on something. I've been struggling quite a bit for the past few months, wrestling with several issues that plague me. The biggest issue is my continuing infertility, which is directly linked to the health of my husband and I. I realized a few days ago that I have let that desire to have another child overtake my desire for knowing my Lord better. This morning, I am singing the words to this song wholeheartedly, with tears running down my face.

Lord, draw me close to you. Never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend. You are my desire. No one else will do. 'Cause nothing else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace. Help me find the way, bring me back to you!

You're all I want. You're all I've ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know you are near.

Lord, this is what I pray to you today. Please bring me back to you. Help me to reestablish a time daily where I can connect with you. I need this time. My life is withering without you. I want You more than I want another child, but I still struggle with this. I am like the father in Mark who said, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" I want to want You with every fiber of my being, over any of my other desires, but I need help with this. My desire for a child is so strong, Lord. I have daily, sometimes hourly reminders of this desire. Lord, I desire You, help me to desire You first!

I do plan on continuing my posts about Hannah's Hope and will be posting about a few other books that I am reading after I am finished. I have been struggling with my health and emotions since the passing of my father this past July, and I regret that they have drawn me away from this blog. I am using the new year as a time to reconnect spiritually with my Lord. If you would like to help me be accountable, please let me know. :)

Ordinary Princess J