Monday, January 11, 2010

One Year Book of Hope Week 1 Day 1

My new devotional has reiterated my need for daily time in God's word. I like the way the author likened it to manna. My daily quiet time is my daily nourishment for my soul and without it, I can't function.

Today my devotional focused on Psalm 119. At first glance, it's a bit of a daunting task to read it since it's so long, but it contains so much wisdom. My devotional asked, "What does the psalmist ask God for that you also want to ask of God?" Well, the first thing was verse 8b, "Please don't give up on me!" I feel that way a lot lately, like a lost cause. I'm just so broken! I know in my heart that only the divine healer can fix me. The next thing I noted was verse 12b, "Teach me your decrees." The best way for the Lord to do this is for me to immerse myself in His word. Yet another reminder of how important my daily time with Him is.

Verse 25 says, "I lie in the dust; revive me by your word." I wouldn't say that I'm laying in the dust just yet, but I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know that the only thing that can fix me is the earnest seeking of my Lord. Verse 28, "I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word." I have been weeping with sorrow, almost daily in fact. My sorrow usually isn't the sit-and-cry-for-half-an-hour-chest-heaving type of sorrow. Mine hits me in patches. I'll be doing fine, going along with my day when something will strike me and I'll feel the tears beginning to well up. If I'm not in public, I'll do my best rapid blink to try to get them to go away. If I'm at home, I might let a few escape and then sigh and keep going. Perhaps I should just sit down and let it all crash over me and let it all out. Maybe a good long cry is something that I need.

Verse 65 says, "You have done many good things for me, LORD, just as you promised." That is so true. I have blessing too numerous to count, so why am I constantly focusing on what I don't have? It's so frustrating. Lord, please help me to focus on You, not my infertility! Verse 71 states, "My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees." Could all the hurt and pain I'm going through actually be good for me? I believe it can, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Lord, I pray that what I'm going through will be a refining fire for me and that it will shape me into your image. I pray that I can find positives in my pain. Verse 76 says, " Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant." Oh Lord, please surround me with your love. It would mean so much to me today to feel your love. It seemed to me that you've been so far from me these past several months, even though I know you've been walking along side me. Please let me feel your love, Lord.

"Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path," Verse 105. How many times does the Psalmist repeat this sentiment? I've lost count. I need to be faithful to my quiet time. Verse 132 says, "Come and show me your mercy, as you do for all who love your name." I could use some mercy right now. I long to be taken out of this circumstance, either by becoming pregnant or by having the Lord tell me that more children are not in His plan for my life. It's so frustrating not to know which way I should go. I pray and pray for answers, but hear nothing. Perhaps He is saying "Wait," but I even have questions on that. How do I wait? Should we stop trying completely? Should I be doing something while I'm waiting? Lord, please have mercy and give me answers! Ironically, (does the Lord do irony? I think He does.) the verse 145 says, "I pray with all my heart; answer me, LORD! I will obey your decrees." Verse 169 says, "O LORD, listen to my cry; give me the discerning mind you promised." Lord, please grant me the wisdom to know what You would wish me to do.

I'm really enjoying this devotional. I read the author's book on hope and was blown away. It's a shame that 6 am comes so early!

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