10/20/09
Does Jim deal with infertility the same way I do? No, not at all. I am immersed in it daily - it seems as if anything can make me think of it. Gabe playing on the floor with a friend to seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn at the store. On a side note, my friend J (who is also my pastor's wife) just found out she is expecting. Up to this point, I have not had anyone around me become pregnant. It's easy to be happy for others from a distance, but a much different thing up close. J is not someone I could avoid, nor would I want to. I am thrilled for her, but seeing her will also serve as a reminder for me as to what I cannot seem to achieve. Each meeting will bring a new battle with grief. I'm not sure how to cope with this. The emotions are absolutely exhausting. Can I be confident that time will make it easier to bear or will it only crease my pain as her stomach begins to grow? There are no easy answers. Back to my spouse, I find that infertility affects him in small windows. A few weeks ago our son was playing by himself in his room. My husband came to me and told me that it made him sad that Gabe had to play by himself since he had no siblings and that even if we got pregnant right away, it would still be years before he could play with a sibling. This seemed to be a revelation to him, while for me, it is a daily thought. I envy him his ability to compartmentalize his emotions and thoughts. Perhaps I have such a hard time because it is all tied directly to my body - something I cannot possibly avoid.
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