Hannah's Hope Chapter Sixteen

Just as there are many definitions of a family, motherhood is not only defined by birthing children. I have been mothered by many women and in turn, have mothered many children. I currently have three amazing Christian women in my life (that are not related to me) that I can go to for spiritual support, advice and a listening ear. In addition to my son, I have mothered many children that I have worked with, especially a beautiful teenage girl that was once a part of my youth group. I pray that God will continue to allow me to mother many more children. What a tremendous blessing to so impact a child's life for the Lord!

If we ever do get pregnant again, I know that my loss of innocence will affect my thinking. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories along my infertility journey. I'm sure that Satan will use my fears to attack me where I'm vulnerable, but you can't live in daily fear. I will need to remember to offer everything up to the Lord, for His plans are good. There have been a few times that I have though God might take my living child from me. Even if that does happen, I need to remember that I can trust the Lord and He has plans for my child and I.

That finishes off Hannah's Hope. It's truly an amazing book and I highly recommend it to anyone going through infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. I am currently experiencing peace in my infertility journey. My husband and I have decided to take six months off from trying to conceive to become healthier, both physically and spiritually. Somewhere along the way, we lost our focus on God and began focusing on trying to have another baby instead. WE are only one month into our break, but I already feel renewed and have experienced the peace that passes understanding that I know comes from my Lord. I pray that I will continue to grow closer to Him as I rest and reflect and then once again begin my journey along the road of infertility.

Hannah's Hope Chapters Fourteen & Fifteen

Hannah's Hope Chapter Fourteen

It is so easy to think of the definition of family as parents and children, but it's not! When God joins a man and a woman together in marriage, they are already a family and are complete. Children should never be the focus of a marriage. Most churches, including mine are very child focused. There are so many people out there nursing hidden hurts from miscarriages and other losses, but no one talks about it, because grief makes people uncomfortable.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Fifteen

I believe I am finally at a place in my infertility journey where I desire God's plan for my life more than my heart's desires. Though I still experience setbacks, it is a wonderfully freeing thing! I am able to greet pregnant women with a smile and honestly share in their joy, most of the time. :) I can either choose to experience grief or choose to live, praising the Lord daily for his many blessings. It is my choice.

"Waiting becomes worship when our as-yet-unfulfilled hopes and dreams take a secondary place to knowing, loving, and trusting our God." Jan Frank - A Graceful Waiting

This quote affected me profoundly!!! What powerful words. Waiting without the Lord's peace is agony. There is no way to know if you will ever become pregnant or if you will, how long it will take. If God would speak and say "Yes, I will bless you with a child, but not right now," it would be so much easier. Even a "No." would at least allow me to move on, allow the grieving to progress and maybe resolve, but waiting is just so hard. I am at last coming to appreciate my time of waiting. God has used it to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been and it's wonderful. I know I am more the person He wants me to be now than I was before my waiting.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Thirteen

I have definitely been through and continue to go through the grieving process. It's one step forward and two steps back. I think one of the hardest things about infertility in any form is it's lack of closure. When you grieve a person, you begin at one point, usually sickness and/or death, and process until it's done. People only die once. With infertility, especially as a woman, you might go through the grieving process each month. How utterly exhausting! It makes me feel good to know that not only is it human to grieve, but it's biblical as well. Jesus wept for Lazarus. He shows us that it is okay for Christians to show hurt. We just need to remember, even in our grief, that we have the ultimate hope in our Lord. I think many people are uncomfortable with grief in others. They don't know how to respond to it and usually end up saying the first thing that enters their minds, which often seems to result in a case of foot-in-the-mouth disorder. I truly cannot believe some of the thoughtless things people say.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Twelve

01/02/10

Our church hasn't really been a part of my infertility journey yet. I don't keep it a secret, it's just not something that I talk about much. Infertility isn't something that usually comes up in casual conversation. I'm kind of afraid to tell people because I don't know what their reactions will be. I am afraid that people will want to know why I can't be happy with the one child I have. I would like to find a group locally that deals with infertility and secondary infertility, but so far I have been unsuccessful. I feel lonely for someone my age who understands and has been where I am. I don't really have the choice to not go to church, which is going to be a problem when all the new babies arrive, nor do I really want to leave. I connect with God on Sundays and I really need the fellowship. I pray that God will grant me the strength to be genuinely happy for these new parents while protecting my hurting heart at the same time. Maybe I should be more transparent to my church family?

Hannah's Hope Chapter Eleven

01/02/10

I do not believe that infertility is caused by a lack of faith. I do not think that you can pray your way to a child. I do think that prayer is a necessary part of a person's spiritual life, but just because you pray for something doesn't mean that you will get it. I have never met a parent that gave their child everything they asked for. Ice cream for breakfast isn't a good idea (most of the time). God has a good plan for me. I don't want another child if it means abandoning His plan for my life. I do agree with and also believe that if God desires something to happen, it WILL happen, no matter what the state of my faith. Have I been treating God like a heavenly Santa Claus? If I do what I should, everything the way He wants me to, then He is obliged to give me what I want. I confess I have felt that way; that I deserve another child. The reality is, I don't deserve anything.

Hannah's Hope Chapters Nine & Ten

01/01/10 Hannah's Hope Chapter Nine

I know I have experienced bitterness from my infertility. At least I know I am not alone. Many women in the Bible experienced bitterness and I'm sure that even more have experienced it outside of the Bible! I pray that I have learned to deal with my emotions before they turn to bitterness. It's an ongoing battle. I know now that in order to keep bitterness from invading my soul. I need to cultivate my soul by using God's word daily as a tool against it.

01/02/10 Hannah's Hope Chapter Ten

How far am I willing to go for another child? How far can we go medically before we run into ethical problems? Is it fair to the rest of our family to go into debt or spend all of our excess income on having another child? How do we know which way to go? I have so many questions! What are my limits? Jim and I have discussed this, but haven't come to any concrete conclusions. "Is my pursuit of a child honoring His blessings, or squandering what I have been given?" was a question that was asked in the book. Right now I don't know. Another question was "Am I trying to force God's hand?" Some days is sure seems like it, especially since Gabe wasn't planned by us. We know now how much of a miracle he is. He is our gift from God.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Eight

01/01/10

I have found out two more women at our church are pregnant, that brings the count up to four now, with three of them due in June. I almost feel like I did when I was a child and denied entrance into a club that I desperately wanted to join. You cannot help but see pregnant women and babies everywhere you go, it's just a fact of life. I can choose to be jealous and bitter, or I can choose to be joyful, seeing each baby for what it truly is - a blessing from God, even if it's not my own. I know that I need to come to God with my questions. I have not been faithful. How can I be nourished daily when I don't come to Him for my daily bread? I have been under quite a bit of stress lately, which in turn has had a significant effect on my health. I know my doctors are concerned. If God granted me my desire right at this moment, most likely the baby would have complications. I need to set aside my selfish desire until it is possible to bring another life into this world safely. I don't want to stop trying, but I know I must. I need to be healthy first off so I can serve the Lord and then my family. Babies should come last on my list! I need to get my priorities straight. I know I have not been treating my body like a temple at all! Therefore, my New Year's resolutions are twofold - #1. Be Healthy - eat better, get my numbers under control and exercise; #2. Be Spiritually Healthy - fellowship with other Christian women on a regular basis, have a daily quiet time and serve the Lord in all areas of my life.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Seven

10/20/09

Does Jim deal with infertility the same way I do? No, not at all. I am immersed in it daily - it seems as if anything can make me think of it. Gabe playing on the floor with a friend to seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn at the store. On a side note, my friend J (who is also my pastor's wife) just found out she is expecting. Up to this point, I have not had anyone around me become pregnant. It's easy to be happy for others from a distance, but a much different thing up close. J is not someone I could avoid, nor would I want to. I am thrilled for her, but seeing her will also serve as a reminder for me as to what I cannot seem to achieve. Each meeting will bring a new battle with grief. I'm not sure how to cope with this. The emotions are absolutely exhausting. Can I be confident that time will make it easier to bear or will it only crease my pain as her stomach begins to grow? There are no easy answers. Back to my spouse, I find that infertility affects him in small windows. A few weeks ago our son was playing by himself in his room. My husband came to me and told me that it made him sad that Gabe had to play by himself since he had no siblings and that even if we got pregnant right away, it would still be years before he could play with a sibling. This seemed to be a revelation to him, while for me, it is a daily thought. I envy him his ability to compartmentalize his emotions and thoughts. Perhaps I have such a hard time because it is all tied directly to my body - something I cannot possibly avoid.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Six

I am just now posting my reflections on the rest of Hannah's Hope. I had journaled on it quite awhile ago, but am just now getting to post it. Sorry for the delay! If anybody reading this blog is dealing with infertility of any form, I highly recommend this book. I feel like the author, Jennifer Saake, led me out of the darkness. :)

10/20/09

So many things have happened since I've written last. My father passed away this past July after a long and weary battle with CHF (congestive heart failure). He accepted Christ about a week before he passed, which was a much prayed for blessing. My mother is holding up much better than anyone expected and I've proud of her. My body continues to confuse and infuriate me. My past two cycles have been an exercise in frustration. I at least feel like my husband Jim and I are doing something to begin to add to our family. We have gone over our finances and have taken out a loan to begin to pay off our credit card and extensive medical debt. I at least now feel like we have a plan. We will soon be getting some budget counseling and Financial Peace program next year. I hope that our finances continue to get better so we can afford to adopt and buy a home in the not-so-distant future

Hannah's Hope Chapter Six

There was given me a thorn in my flesh... Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

This verse resonates deeply with me right now. I have so many "thorns" embedded so deeply within me: my diabetes, my depression, infertility. I continually pray that the Lord will help me be healthy and take my trials away, but it seems my prayers go unanswered. I know He hears me. If I did not suffer what kind of person would I be? I would have little compassion for others, thinking them weak and complainers. I might think myself superior to many. I know I would not appreciate my family the way I do nor would I feel the incalculable gratitude to God for my precious son, who may be the only child I am granted here on Earth. My trails are actually a blessing in disguise. From them, I have learned many lessons. I have learned to look past people's appearances and actions and not make assumptions. We do not have the right to judge anyone because we have not walked in their shoes. People should be met with love, always. It is not up to us to understand why, simply to love them. I know extensively the depth of my flaws and inadequacies. I know I am undeserving of all my blessings and am superior to no one. I have so many blessings in my life and am learning how to focus on them and not my problems. The one thing I know my trials have done for me that I value most is to bring me closer to Christ. If I had not suffered I might have not thought myself in need of salvation.

Hannah's Hope Chapter Five

I am tired of people (my doctor included) telling me that my loss wasn't real, that it wasn't really a baby and that if I wasn't charting, I wouldn't have even known - is that supposed to make me feel better?!? It WAS a loss, it WAS a baby and I DO know I lost my precious child. Please give me time to grieve. If I make you uncomfortable, please understand I'm not doing it intentionally and leave me alone. I'm not acting this way to upset you, I am simply living my life the only way I know how. To quote someone else who has gone through this "There is nothing worse than being told your child doesn't exist. NOTHING. PLEASE DON'T CALL MY CHILD A CHEMICAL. GOD LOVES MY CHILD AND SO DO I." My child was a unique human being and I will never forget them. I am trying to use this for God's glory. My extended family is having a very difficult time understanding what I am going through. I think the only way you can really, truly understand it is to go through it yourself and I pray that my family never has to go through this themselves. It is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Before I am offended or hurt by my family or anyone else I need to try to step back and see if they are going through anything that might be causing them grief and try to be supportive of them. I need to love others in spite of the heartache they may cause me. Wow, that's much easier said than done!!! Retaliating for hurts caused by others will only push them away when I most need their prayers and encouragement. Lord, please help me forgive those that hurt me, everyday if necessary, and help me keep forgiving.

Ordinary Princess J

Hannah's Hope Chapter Four

I definitely agree with the point that women and men deal with infertility differently. I liked how Jennifer compared it to a rollercoaster. I know that my DH would love to "find the break" on our ride. I know that I struggle with our SI more than he does, simply because I have the reminder of our dysfunction from my body every month. I am thankful that my body is fairly healthy and I know that we can get pregnant, since we've done it before. I am blessed that my husband doesn't feel the need to "be strong" and will open up to me about how he is feeling. I know that this has helped our marriage during this tough season. Neither DH nor I had any real idea of what "In sickness and in health" were going to mean when we got married. So far we have faced Type 1 Diabetes, Ulcerative Colitis, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Depression and Osteoporosis. SI is just something to add to the list. It hasn't been easy, but I know these conditions have brought us closer and made us more empathetic to others. DH has been very understanding of my need to mourn the baby we lost. He has been patient with my mood swings and taken DS when I needed time alone. I think DH and I do need to be better about praying together. Jeremiah 29:11 says ""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."" I am confident that God's plan for me is good, even if it doesn't include more children. I have been so blessed by my life already and really God doesn't owe me anything. I am just having a hard time letting go of my personal dreams. I keep asking God to help me let go of my dreams for my life and accept God's dreams for me. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 talks about how our bodies are temples and honoring God with our bodies. I know that I haven't been taking care of my body well enough. I need to be better about exercising and eating better. I should try to find a buddy for that... someone to help hold me accountable.

Ordinary Princess J

Hannah's Hope Chapter Three

I do not feel like God is punishing me for my sins through infertility. However, I know that my sin has been coming between myself and God for awhile. It is time for me to re-evaluate my life and really decide what is pleasing to the Lord and what is not. I need to work on conquering my rebellious thoughts and tame my impulses. God is not punishing me, but He may be disciplining me. God may be using this season of my life to help prepare me for His purpose. I desperately want to live up to God's purpose for my life. I really loved how Jennifer Saake described discipline vs punishment in "Hannah's Hope." She said, "Discipline is vastly different from punishment. ... Whereas punishment represents penalty or retribution, discipline's goal is to train, mold, and perfect." It goes along with Hebrews 12:7-8 "Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons."

Ordinary Princess J

Hannah's Hope Chapter Two

Fertility Rivalry - I HATE that concept, probably because I identify with it! It seemed to me that as soon as DH and I got pregnant with DS, his brother and his wife immediately began TTC, even though before both had said they didn't want kids. I was delighted when my nephew was born, but now with his 1 year old birthday already passed, I dread the announcement that I know will be coming soon of how they are expecting again. Right now, we are equal, but if they have another child, especially a girl, I feel like our extended family might forget about us and DS. I HATE the feelings of jealousy and envy that I'm struggling with! It seems that lately, all I see are pregnant women and small children/babies everywhere. It's hard to avoid such situations when you already have a toddler. I need to be constantly reminded that I do not know better than God. His plan for me is perfect and I should not second guess Him, but ti's so hard to be patient and wait on His timing. How do you wait patiently? I guess for me, the easiest way is to read while I wait, so that's what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to be better about reading my Bible daily and really try to hear what God is saying to me. I need to be drawing strength from the Lord in my time of trial (be it infertility, the loss of a loved one, financial problems, etc.) rather than questioning Him and resenting Him. I need to work with Him and His plan for my life, not against Him. I need to be very careful to not make my pursuit of another child my idol, because I fear that is the direction I am headed.

Ordinary Princess J

Hannah's Hope Chapter One

I am reading through the book "Hannah's Hope." My amazing MIL gave it to me to help me through the loss of our baby and our continuing secondary infertility (SI). You are welcome to read through it with me if you like and we can compare notes. I highly recommend this book to anyone going through infertility in it's many forms, adoption loss and/or pregnancy loss or infant death. I also recommend the Hannah's Hope forums (Hannah's Prayer) to anyone who is going through the above situations and would like to talk to others who have gone through the same things. I myself have found great support there and am eternally grateful for those women.

A quick disclaimer - I am transcribing these notes from my personal journal, so they may be disjointed and hard to follow at times. I am not attempting to describe the entire book, just write down my responses to it.

Hannah's Hope Chapter One
I define family as a group of people who continually care for each other. Family isn't just defined by blood ties. I was blessed by God into a loving birth family and along the way have made many friend who I consider family. My current family does meet my definition of family, I just feel like my immediate family isn't complete yet. I believe that God defines family as primarily a man and his wife, as in Genesis. I'm not even sure where this desire [to have more children] is coming from. I love DS with my whole heart, so it's not that I want to replace him or feel that he's "not good enough." I don't expect that having another child is going to magically make my life perfect. I think that maybe [this desire] is just something that God put inside me. I do think that [having another child] would make me happy, but maybe I'm putting too much thought into it. I need to focus on God more and less on my SI. I need to pursue my relationship with Him before anything else.

Ordinary Princess J